My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. I like Magnesia it's a nice town and one day I had to go there to get some special milk that cures indigestion. I crossed over the river Maiandros which is a twisty turny old lamb's liver. When anyone says a river 'meanders' it's because it goes round a lot of bends and the word derives from the river Maiandros. Not a lot of people know that.
They reckon this place is of Aiolian descent as there's a region called Magnesia in Aiolia over in Greece proper. Others say the original settlers were Delphians which is also Aiolian.
I met an old poet called Hesiod in a pub called the Thorax and he was almost legless and he slapped me on the back and spoke in a sort of Carian-Barbarian-Hellenic accent. It's the equivalent of Welsh-Jamaican-French. He said "Ah wance knows a lovely ma'amoiselle called Larissa, who lived in Diddyman Hills by the Dortian Pleeeen near Amyros man, lorded with greeps, she dipped her Sebs in Leak Beebis" I said "did you get your oats?" Hesiod fell off his stool and laughed "Ha ha bettah than dat boyo. I got ma greeps in! Le best blowjob in Ellass, mon ami!" He laughed and puked in a vase.
I exited the Thorax which is named after the nearby mountain of Thorax where old Daphitas the novelist was crucified for treason. He wrote a few lines in a book that the kings didn't agree with and that was his lot!
I went to have a butchers at the sanctuary of Dindymene but some bastard had come along and half-inched it because it was bloody gorn. I overheard they moved it and I thought fuck me that ain't on! The temple of Artemis is still here, not as big as the one in Ephesos but it's better quality both in harmony and construction, said to be one of the best in Asia.
Some geezer called Kallinos said that the Magnesians were once destroyed by the Kimmerians and then the Miletians beat them and they became the new Magnesians and they had a war with the Ephesians. He reckons the Kimmerians were a violent lot and also invaded Sardis up the road.
At the gym I got talking to a boxer called Kleomachus who was having a bit of a threesome with a high class woman and a slave girl. I said "blimey don't let your hubby find out." She said "he knows about it and sometimes joins in wearing his bronze helmet and plumes!" Well I left them all to it. Good old Magnesia. Cures indigestion haha.
Supposedly there was a bit of a legal dispute over some plaque on the bronze image of Zeus in the theatre. The inscription was written in bad grammar so the city of Magnesia was charged with ignorance because of the ambiguity of the text. This was because some bloke had forgotten to write the last letter on a word. Well it confused people didn't it. So the word didn't really make any sense as it was in the wrong tense - although you only had to use your fucking nod to work it out whether it was nominative or dative. It was a bit petty really but the city councillors were fined a few drachmas because of gross negligence and they had to do without a month's sherberts. Fucking nonsense ain't it? Old Zeus didn't give a monkeys did he, living it up on Mt Olympos, eating steak, drinking champagne and playing marbles.
They reckon last week the roman commander Antonius took a fancy to a citharodist called Anaxenor who plays a pretty fucking mean cithar it has to be said. Antonius appointed him as a tax collector for the whole region and decked him out in purple designer clobber and gave him a legion of soldiers. Blimey he must have liked him a fucking lot! That's a weird thing to get as a gift though - a job as a tax collector but then again you can earn a nice bit of bunce. I wonder if he played his music while he was collecting taxes? I like being a wood merchant though. Nothing like the niff of recently cut pine! Time for a quick pint before I do the Frank Bough. I'll have one in the Thorax again as they've got some nice bloody chairs in there. Ok, better watch me grammar in this manor as I don't want to incur a fine and get those fucking councillors in bother!
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