Empedacles went up Mt Etna for a butchers as nobody had been up for a closer look at the caldera. His mate went along but was understandably reluctant what with it being an active volcano. They got up the side of it and peered over the edge and saw a huge plain of black sand and in the centre was a colossal black cloud sitting ominously above a small mound of ash. Empedacles put his bronze shoes on which I imagine to have been like brogues with thick soles and all bronze. Now this maybe just me but I reckon they wouldn't have been very effective but Empedacles wore them anyway. His mate was barefooted and was rather envious of Empedacles and his chunky bronze shoes. They both clambered down the edge of the caldera and on to the warm black sand and slowly walked towards the centre. The sand got hotter and hotter and this is where I think the bronze shoes would not have been beneficial. Correct me if I'm wrong but metal is a good conductor of heat so it would have been like walking over hot ash with a pair of saucepans on your plates of meat. As they got closer Etna rumbled and spat out a few little rocks. The two explorers did a runner and in the panic Empedacles caught a foot in a rut and lost a bronze shoe. They got back to the edge safely with Empedacles hopping along behind his mate and they realised the view was just as good from there as at near the centre. They went back home and never tried it again.
Meanwhile down in the Sicilian strait in the shadow of Mt Etna a man up a coastal lookout rang a bell to signal that there were many tuna entering the narrows. Two fishermen promptly boarded a small boat with one rowing and one standing on the prow ready to spear any galeotes. Now galeotes are swordfish or dogfish who chase the tuna. A good meal could be had. Amyntor speared a huge galeote and there was much sport as it fought like a wild boar before he eventually landed it in the boat. Still alive the galeote swung its lethal sword and severed the oarsman Hipparchus's leg right off. Fuck he said oh fuck oh fuck. His leg fell in the sea and several dogfish and larger sharks stripped it in minutes. Fuck screamed Hipparchus as Amyntor stabbed the swordfish repeatedly on the head before it went still. What am I gonna do I've got a date with Helen tonight in Syracuse? Said Hipparchus. Let me think said Amyntor ah hang on I've got an idea it's not perfect but that swordfish tail would make a temporary leg. Hipparchus said you're fucking joking. Anyway Amyntor tied a tourniquet around the bleeding stub of the leg and fixed the swordfish tail in place quite ingeniously under a trouser leg. It's all right said Amyntor. That'll pass for a leg if you keep it under the table. I can fix a bronze shoe to the end and Helen won't suss a thing
Hipparchus limped off the boat and up the beach. You couldn't tell. Ok so Hipparchus walked a bit funny but he managed to get a cab to Syracuse in time to meet his date Helen.
At the restaurant in Syracuse Hipparchus made sure he arrived first and a few minutes later the beautiful Helen turned up. He was in a bit of pain despite taking a few aspirins and codeine and rubbing it with a bit of iodine. Helen called the waiter and she ordered swordfish steak and Hipparchus shuddered a little thinking oh the fucking irony. She said oh I love your brogues my friend Empedacles the Explorer has the same ones. He's mad he climbed Etna today. Yeah said Hipparchus he's bloody mad that bloke. He should stick to fishing it's a lot safer. Helen giggled a comely giggle and started to play footsie and Hipparchus quickly moved his good leg into position. Your legs are amazing she said. They are the best legs in Sicily. Hipparchus was thinking fucking hell don't know how long I can keep up this charade. She suddenly got up and said oh the band are playing let's dance! Hipparchus said it's a little early maybe another time I've got a bit of cramp in my leg. She offered to kiss it and rub it with ointment but Hipparchus said the cramp had subsided. Let's dance please! Begged Helen.
Hipparchus thought fuck me I'm hardly gonna be able to do the twist with half a swordfish for a leg. He said I ain't keen on this band Helen. The singer sounds like a dog whining for a bone. I might shoot off now as I got a migraine coming on. Helen went to the bar and brought back some ice and rubbed his forehead. Then she said I can smell swordfish, the waiter said they'd run out! Hipparchus said well it's quite close to the harbour, the fisherman sometimes leave their catch on the wharf and it's a warm night, what with Etna chucking out some. That's true said Helen. It is a balmy night. Shall we go to my villa and fuck?
Hipparchus was thinking I could do with a bunk up. If I do her from behind she might not be able to see my leg, if we keep the candles off. It's gonna start rotting soon so maybe I should fashion a wooden leg out of one of these table legs when she goes to powder her nose.
Helen goes up for a dance on her own and Hipparchus blows out the candle and struggles getting the swordfish tail out of his trousers. He grabs a bread knife from the table and saws off a table leg and fixes it to his stub with binding. He tries to dispose of the swordfish tail but can't get rid of it in time.
Helen comes back to the table and sits down. Hipparchus holds the table up with a hand as it's a bit unsteady. Helen clocks the big tail on the table and says oh you've got swordfish! The waiter said they'd run out! Lying sod. Can I have some of yours? Hipparchus replies no it's fucking raw, it's not cooked. Waiter! Can you take this swordfish back to the chef and make sure he cooks it properly and have it cut into steaks? The waiter looks a bit confused but agrees and carries it into the kitchen. Helen frowns and says I'm not giving this place a good review. Unbelievably bad service. And this table is all skewed.
The waiter comes back with two plates piled with steaks. Might as well eat something I suppose she sighs. Plenty of people start asking the waiter for swordfish so Hipparchus decides to start flogging their steaks to other punters at half price. The manager sees what's going on and comes over. What's the matter mate? says Hipparchus. That moment a stray rock discharged from the eruption of Mt Etna comes down and knocks the manager out cold. Quick let's scarper says Hipparchus and forgets he's got a fucking wooden table leg strapped on and falls arse over elbow down the Skyrian marble steps into the piazza.
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