My name is Mykalus Kain and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. I was riding through Bithynia on my horse and I fancied stopping for a pig's ear in bloody Mysia. Some Lydian bloke at the bar was telling me the Mysians was named after beech trees cos there was a lot of of bloody beech trees in Mysia! He went on to say the Cretans founded Miletos and I told him I already bloody knew that. He started to bore the tits off me, so I went to play the fruity and four melons came in. Lovely jub!
Next stop was Mt Olympos overlooking Troy. There's been many a bloody battle in that manor. I won't go on about that right now as it's a long-winded story and the last war with Greece lasted nine bloody years. I was on the Trojan side during the war but I was too old to join the front line troops so I sorted out some of the soldiers with spears. I got hold of some wood from Styrax, which is bloody good for making spears and lances.
Mt Olympus is surrounded by forest which is home to a lot of dodgy bastards who prey on unsuspecting travellers so I'm always keeping my mincers peeled. Some of those fuckers have been established up there a long time and have become proper tyrants like that bloke Cleon, who reckons he's the daddy. He was from Ioulioupolis ( try fucking saying that after a few Veras! ) but he relocated to Kallydion for his secret operations. Now, this Cleon became good mates with Antonius the Roman Emperor as Cleon kept attacking the authorities who were exacting levies from Labienus the Roman which was fucking up Roman preparations in Asia. During the war at Actium in Greece, Cleon ditched Antonius and joined up with Caesar and he received honours from both Antonius and Caesar, the tricky bastard! Cleon was no longer regarded as a gangster and he was elevated to dynastic status, even being entrusted with the priesthood of several temples dedicated to bloody Zeus. He fucked up royally though, as he was greedy and stuffed himself with so much pork he got fat and keeled over. He was told the rules of the sanctuary at Komana strictly prohibited the eating of pigs. He didn't give a flying fuck did old Cleon, he was eating roast pork and bacon sandwiches and pork scratchings by the cart load! The other priests and priestesses told him off for violating their customs and corrupting the sanctity of the precinct by continuing to eat so much Duchess of York. He said 'I run the show now, so fuck off with your nagging and leave me alone. I love a bit of streaky! Fuck off back to your precinct or peribolos or whatever you fucking call it. Leave me alone you cunts!' So lovely little Cleon got large and croaked it!
I trotted down Mt Olympos and over the bridge to Kyzikos where I had that Olympic sandwich. There was a war here called the Mithridatic War because it was started by King Mithridates from Persia who unexpectedly turned up with 150,000 soldiers! The leader of the Kyzekenian Greeks said 'cor, fuck me look at that lot!' King Mith swiftly took Mt Adrastia and some of the Kyzikene suburbs. The Greeks almost took old King Mith alive but when they cornered him in a trench, he slithered away safely. The Roman commander Lucullus sent a load of centurians one night to help the Greeks. The Persians, also suffering from famine, beat a hasty retreat and never fucking came back. Anyway because of that, the Romans have granted Kyzikene as a free city in honour of the war. And they make a bloody good kebab!
Then I rode to Apameia for some good barbecued trout as there are many fast flowing rivers meandering and converging there. After that I galloped through the region of Laodicia into a city called Karoura for a soak in the hot springs. The city is liable to earthquakes like most parts of Asia Minor. One time a brothel keeper was staying in a hotel with a large number of beautiful women and an earthquake happened at night while they were all shagging and the ground opened up and they all disappeared down a big fucking hole together. They didn't catch a cold! Anyway that's enough gassing for now, you can all fuck off, it's tea time!
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