My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. I fancied a quick butchers at Crete so I grabbed the old Chuck Berry from Miletos to Matalan. My first port of call was an old boozer called The White Bull and Europa overlooking the beach. Nice pint of Minotaur Gold which cost me a small irregular silver penny with a skinny bull imprinted on one side.
King Minos was the first one at old Knossos to have a thalassocracy - which derives from the greek word 'thalassa' meaning 'the sea'. A sea-borne empire. Rhadamanthys was the first king to civilize Crete by administering laws he says he heard direct from the mouth of Zeus. King Minos emulated Rhadamanthys by visiting the cave and praying to Zeus every ninth year. He declared laws that he said were the edicts of Zeus and the Cretans believed that these laws came directly from Zeus. Minos was a powerful and intimidating bloke, what with being mates with the 'God of Thunder', Joe Bloggs thought twice about trying to mug him off. If there were any detractors it was obviously wiser to keep shtum or get the fuck out of Dodge.
Lycourgos became the legal guardian of his nephew Charilaos, when his brother King Polydektes died. He thought it would be sensible to fuck off to Crete for a bit and let things calm down. Maybe he wasn't keen on looking after a screaming dustbin lid. Some people were also starting rumours that Lycourgos looked like the sort of bloke who would murder his little nephew, which was a totally slanderous accusation. Lycourgos took charge of Crete to take his mind off family matters and he copied King Minos who had copied Rhadamanthys with all that Zeus bollocks. Lycourgos went to Egypt for a while and when he eventually came back home he found out Charilaos was king - so it's all groovy biscuits in the end. So says Ephoros. I've got a lot of time for Ephoros. Homer also mentioned it in his epic poem the Odyssey.
Contrary to popular opinion, some say Minos was not a nice bloke but a violent and cruel tyrant and imposed harsh taxes on his subjects. In the Iliad, which recounts the siege of Troy, Minos is known as the fair and just guardian of Crete. Opinions differ about Minos. I suppose it depends a lot on whether you were a friend or foe. Archaeologists say King Minos is nothing but a myth, especially my mate Biggius who once said "Minos is a bit hit and miss." Biggius has got a lisp!
Strabo says there is an inaccurate account by Kallimachus who reckons that a woman called Britomartis escapes from the violence of King Minos by jumping into a fisherman's net. The locals nicknamed her Diktynna 'net-girl.' A sanctuary of Britomartis was erected to commemorate this event whether it was true or not, at a different spot to where she jumped in the net, on the western part of the island. Maybe she invented fishnet stockings! I reckon modern archaeologists and classical historians need to bang their heads together over a few ouzos and maybe try and figure out the truth.
Gortyn is the Roman capital of Crete, and Egypt. I heard this jackanory that Euxinthetus of Gortyn asked his new servant Leukokomas to go to the pikeys in Praisos to fetch a dog, the first test in an ancient set of labours known as the 'athlon'. That's a fair old trot, nearly a 400 stadia round trip. Anyway Leukokomas rode off to fetch the mutt and when he got to Praisos he said "I've come to pick up a dag for my master". The Praisians knew nothing about it and they all looked at each other and shrugged. Leukokomas frowned and uttered a few choice words and eventually headed back to Gortyn in a right old huff. He said to Euxinthetus "fucking pikeys didn't have your dog!" Euxinthetus, who's forgetful as fuck said "What dog!?"
Had one for the road in Gortyn ( now called Gortis ) at a pub called The Praetorium Arms and thought I'd better be getting back to me old trouble n' strife for a cup of tea.
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