The king of Agricentum had a big brass statue of a bull. It was used as a death penalty. It was hollow and he lowered the prisoner into it through a hatch near the shoulder blades. Once the condemned man was inside, the hatch was bolted shut and a fire was lit beneath the bull's stomach. There were holes at the nostrils. When the victim started to roast you could hear the screams through the nostrils and the king and his party thought it sounded like a real bull roaring. Sicilian civilization at its peak!
One day a bloke upset the king and he ended up inside the bull. The king ignited the furnace below it and the bloke inside it said "phew it's getting a bit balmy in here. Stinks of brass. Shit the bed it's starting to make me sweat a little bit. Fuck beans, my beard is melting!"
In a vain attempt he tried to cling on the hatch above and hang from a small rod.
"Bugger this. My fingers can't hold on. Aaaaaaarrrrgh"
Outside the king and his entourage of courtiers were drinking wine and entertaining some sluts while the bull cooked the bloke. He was raised out and a chef sliced him into portions and he was distributed on various plates as part of the banquet. The king tried a bit of sliced liver and nodded. "Very good. A little overdone but otherwise very good"
A prostitute called Danae, sampled the man's penis and said "Delicious and chewy. Rather like salami. Compliments to the chef!"
An excited guest accidentally spilled *lotus wine and silphium juice on the King's robe and this annoyed him greatly. The guest apologised profusely but the king was in no mood for such genuflection and ordered him to be put to death in the bull. The other guests and prostitutes laughed and clapped as the guest, who was a Syracusan accountant, fought with all his might and managed to escape the clutches of the guards and ran for miles and hid in a silver bull, similar in design to the brass one. Big mistake. This bull belonged to King Agathocles of Syracuse and he loved cooking people that tried to escape from the king of Agricentum. When he found out the man was a crooked accountant who had embezzled a large quantity of gold from his palace at Syracuse, it was goodnight Vienna for the bloke. The victim stuck two fingers through the bull's nostrils and they were the only part of him that didnt get cooked. Stupid idiot hiding in a bull. What did he expect? If you're gonna be cremated alive in a brass bull you don't go hiding in a silver bull!
*Lotus wine, by the way, is extracted from the honey lotus tree in Libya. The lotus eaters loved it. Libya encompassed all of known Africa back in pre-Roman times, aside from Egypt which has always been regarded as a separate entity. Some lotus eaters who lived in the desert were said to chew the watery roots of the lotus plant - so there is a debate as to who the original lotus eaters were. I watched The Spy Who Loved Me and Jaws ate James Bond's Lotus Esprit sports car, so he could be considered as a modern lotus eater!
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