"My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy bastard. One day I had a tip off that there was good cypress trees in Ortygia in Ionia. I stopped at the city of Ephesos which was founded by Androcles, son of Codros the codpiece who was king of the Athenians. Even now Ephesos has kings, being a fancy royal seat where the kings have the privilege of front seats at the games and are allowed to wear purple robes and codpieces. They say old Smyrna was in Ephesos but now Smyrna is a different city up the frog and toad. Smyrna was an Amazonian who named the city Smyrna. Old Mimnermos wrote a book called the Nanno and it says the Smyrnians moved on to bloody Colophon. Well he wrote a bit more than that otherwise it wouldn't have been much of a book would it? He says the Colophonians had such a fucking handy army and navy they were always useful allies to have and they would put an end to a bloody war straight away. There is a proverb where people say 'that's put a Colophon on it' and that means it's put an end to the matter!
Had a beer in Miletos where they built one of the biggest temples in Asia but they didn't have any money left to build a roof, so it's open air. Miletos is a well known Cretan establishment. Miletians settled everywhere including Abydos and all round the bloody Euxine Sea. I think they even have a branch of Millets.
I stopped in the Carian village of Thymbria which has a cave full of deadly exhalations that kills birds. I had a swift half in a pub called the Dead Chaffinch.
Went to Tregillion. Nice art and sculptures by a bloke called Myron and one day a Roman bloke came along and nicked some of the best statues. Another Roman called Sebastus Caesar put them all back but he took a fancy to the statue of Zeus so he nicked it and put it in a purpose-built shrine in the Capitolium in Rome. Well the Romans are in charge so what can you do? If you complain, you'll catch a cold mate.
Grabbed the old Chuck Berry over to the Isle of Samos, admittedly their wine's a bit pony but their bird's milk is second to none. One day Polykrates threw a gold ring into the sea and later on a fisherman caught the salmon that had swallowed it. They gutted the fish and found the ring and Polykrates said 'if this kind of thing happens to aristocrats like me it must mean I'm gonna die' and he was right, cos the bloody Persian governor captured him one day and hanged him for treason! Pythagoras heard this and fled for Egypt but came back thinking the Persians had done a Burton, but they were still about, so he went to Italy. Who can blame him. Polykrates' brother Syloson was given governorship of Samos by King Darius but he turned out to be a right evil cunt and there's a proverb that says 'on account of Syloson there is open space'.
Kreophylos was a bloke who taught the poet Homer (who wrote about the Trojan War). It's disputed as his teacher could've been Aristeas. Had a pig's ear in the pub: The Disputed Teachers. Nice gin.
Icarus flew too close to the sun over Samos and the wax melted his wings so he crashed and died, the nutter!
Had a look at Pygela and the sanctuary of Artemis and found out Agamemnon called the city Pygela because everyone had buttock pain and the Greek word for arse-ache is pygalgea. Not a lot of people bloody know that. So they worshipped bloody Artemis and he gave them Nobby Stiles.
Grabbed a cartload of cypress wood from Ortygia which is named after Leto's nurse as the goddess gave birth to some dustbins here by the river Kenchrios. The Kouretes who lived on the nearby mountainside had noisy weapons which frightened off the goddess Hera as she was hiding up an olive tree watching Leto screaming in pain while giving birth to dustbins. Hera was jealous as she wanted some of her own dustbins. Skopas sculpted a xoanan of Ortygia holding a dustbin in each arm and there's an annual festival where a lot of blokes turn up and eat a lot of scraps of food. I had a wild boar pie anyway and toasted Leto with a double Ouzo and some cold pizza that the Romans have brought over from Neapolis."
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