My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm bloody nosy bloke at times! I'm curious about Hollow Elis so I grabbed a chariot, got a boat from Ionia and went for a butchers. After landing at Kyllene, I went to the city of Elis, which wasn't here when Homer was writing his epics. He included Pylos in his books, which has a few good boozers. I spoke to a bloke in a pub called The Grapes which had a big bunch of red grapes hanging up outside that reminded me of a bad case of haemorroids. This bloke, Stesichorus by name, was covered in feathers and he fell about laughing when I asked him if Pylos was the home of Nestor who was instrumental at the siege of Troy and was a sort of Greek King Arthur. I wondered why he found the question so funny but the barman told me he was trying to smuggle birds into Elis from Aetolia and he had quite a nest of young pheasants in his pants. Fuck me smuggling birds in his Brian Cants. Takes all sorts. The barman said it was the Pylos where Nestor lived and it was known as Sandy Pylos. I don't like the sound of that as my old Nobby Styles are playing up. Well, Homer called it Sandy Pylos as it wasn't far to the beach or the sandy river bank. He said there's always been a dispute about which Pylos was the actual Sandy Pylos as there are three cities of the same name dotted down the west coast of the Peloponnesos. A proverb goes "Pylos before Pylos and then another Pylos". Anyway enough of this debate as my bloody Nobbies are killing. So turn it in!
I headed south through Bouprasion and onward to the caves near the Anigros river which flows like a lethargic tortoise stuck in molasses. It leads into a lake which is muddy and stinks. They reckon you can get a niff of it five miles away. I noticed there was some fish in the lake and I was getting a bit Hank Marvin so I got my net out the back of the chariot and caught a few of the big ones. 'Kin Ada, they tasted like shit. Rough as a Kilikian beer mat, mate. Then I noticed a sign saying "don't eat the fish cos they're inedible." You're telling me! I discovered the waters of the lake were polluted long ago supposedly because a bunch of centaurs had got bitten by a big fucking hydra and they bathed their wounds in here to wash away the poison. They also say the water cures leprosy and some other diseases. They say fish is good for the Clare Danes but not these fuckers. As for the caves there are two and one of them was home to a group of Nymphs and the other one was where Dardanos was born. The hospital in 'lovely Arene' must've been chocker that day.
Went to a pub in the middle of nowhere and met the writer Aeschylus who said "Athena or some goddess had Cyprus and Paphos as her allotment." That's a big allotment. Plenty of room for some rhubarb! We had a few pigs ears and swatted a few wasps. They love beer those bright yellow bastards. He told me about the Elian v Pylian war. "Nestor attacked Elis and nicked hundreds of cattle, sheep, goats and five hundred horses with foals. Itymoneus was killed, which was a bit of a blow as he owed my old man some gold. The stealing and fighting was all done in the day and they took the animals back into Pylos at night. The Epians got involved early as they hated Nestor's dad Neleus, supposedly because he was a reclusive old cunt! Three days after that battle, while the Pylians were sharing out the animals, the Epians planned an attack on Thryon. The Pylians sent assistance and routed the Epians, not stopping the killing until they'd chased them back into Bouprasion. King Augeas sacked his chauffeur because he was tipping off Nestor."
Found a nice beach further down near Lepreon. Some Pylians were having a bull roast. Not just one bull but quite a few. Lovely aroma of beef kicking up. I wandered down the steps to join in the merriment and a bloke called Telemachus said "all these bulls are being sacrificed to Zeus the Earthshaker." I said "Cor he's a hungry bastard ain't he? He's done well for a lad born of a knee-trembler in a cave! His mum will be proud." A Kaukonian bloke came over and smacked me round the face with some seaweed. I said "that ain't part of the ritual you Kaukon cunt" so I decked him. I had a few shots of sambuca with my boat race stinging from bladder wrack.
I crossed the Alpheius river which they say is good for leprosy. I crossed at a place called Thyron which Homer calls Thyroessa. Nowadays they call it Epitalion but I prefer the old name.
Thyron is the ancient Greek word for reed. Most river crossings are where many reeds grow. They use some of the reeds to make flutes. I went in a pub at Thyron called The Flute and I had a pint of Leper's Tongue. I don't know why they always say certain places are good for leprosy. Once your leg has fallen off it ain't gonna grow back by bathing in a lake. They probably mean the early stages of the disease. Makes me shudder thinking about it. Let's change the fucking subject.
It's not far to Olympia where they started the games. They reckon it was Hercules who started it and he kept winning so they let a few more locals compete and an Elian bloke won it. The winner used to get a golden crown back in Hercules's day but once the common folk started winning they changed it to a tripod. Typical! A year later they couldn't afford a tripod so the winner got a fucking bunsen burner. All that running about naked in the Greek mountains must have been a sight for the ladies of Olympia. I think one year during the relay one runner had forgotten his glasses and grabbed his team mate's cock by mistake. Hope he didn't have a flake on! No tripod for that team. Homer says Augeas robbed four prize-winning horses. I'm assuming he means that the horses were pulling a chariot and the jockey won the prize and not that four horses won separate prizes.
The Aetolians under general Oxylos had a skirmish with the Epeians who both wanted control of Hollow Elis and it came down to a fight between their two handiest men. A bit like David and Goliath. Anyway Pyraichmes was the Aetolian slingshot champion and he killed Degmenos who was a master archer. The Aetolians had only just invented the slingshot and were chuffed with the result. They were victorious. They say Oxylos only had one eye. Before this battle King Temenos of Aetolia was told by an oracle to look out for a three eyed man as he will be the key to winning the Battle for Elis. Well Temenos saw Oxylos riding a horse and he thought the combined eyes of the horse and rider make three so he asked Oxylos to become his general. Oxylos winked his eye and agreed and employed his mate Pyraichmes. Cushti.
I doubled back across country in order to get the old chuck berry from the port of Kyllene. On the way I had a butchers at the city of Ephyra on the Sellis river. It was supposed to be where Odysseus bought some toxic drugs to coat his arrow heads, when he was fighting with Nestor against King Augeas. I went in a pub called the Poison Arrow. (They were playing ABC on the juke.) I met a bloke called Meges who was drowning his sorrows because some tea leaf had half inched his best corset. I offered my condolences and bought him a sambuca. He cheered up a bit when suddenly Shaw Taylor's face appeared on the pub TV on Greek Police Five and said they saw a man stealing a corset in Ephyra. A photo fit of the suspect was shown and Meges hammered his fist on the table and said "I know that bloke. Bloody Phyleus! I know where he lives, I'm gonna open the fucker up." Meges downed his drink and dashed off. As he left, the goddess Athena popped in. Well, she'd transformed herself into a bloke called Mentor which was what she often did to disguise herself. She said to the Kaukonian barman "I want my debts paying mate." The barman shrugged and showed Mentor an empty till. "OK I'll be back same time next week!" I thought to myself she ain't got a very convincing male voice at all. Sounds like Joe Pasquale.
Stesichorus the writer, not the bird smuggler, was drinking in a pub in Arene. He was going on about a beautiful girl called Rhadine who recently sailed to Corinth as she was betrothed to King Kipselos the tyrant of Corinth. ( He dedicated a massive gold statue of Zeus to the Olympic sanctuary.) Well, this Rhadine had a cousin who wanted to get in her pants and he sailed to Corinth to see her. King Kipper, wearing a Kipper tie, was fucking livid when he caught them both at it, so he wacked them both and sent their bodies far away in a chariot. Then he cried his mincers out afterwards and called the chariot back and had them buried in Corinth. Fuck me, I was almost in tears myself and I don't even know the girl from Adam. I bought him a pint of Acropolis Gold.
I arrived back in Kyllene in time for the last boat back to Corinth and from there I'll ride cross country to the port of Nisa or maybe Argos as I can get a ship back across to Miletus easy enough. Kyllene is alright and it's got a bloody nice statue of Asklepius. Ivory they say. I grabbed a beer in a pub down by the harbour and saw there was a copy of 'The Catalogue of Ships' so I had a butchers while I drank my pint. It's a bit like a Doomsday Book and it tells you how many estates old Nestor owns and how many pigs he's got. Nothing about ships at all which I thought was a bit disappointing so I grabbed a copy of the Daily Sport and there was a nice picture of Aphrodite on a double page spread. I said to the old barman "Where's your kermit? I need a dump." The barman who was called Oxylos, only had one eye and he winked.
No comments:
Post a Comment