Hannibal on the Run

Carthage are losing momentum: Hannibal trapped in Bruttium.
   Marcellus had a successful campaign in Sicily and captured Syracuse from Epicydes and then Agrigentum. Sicily resumed its place as grain producer for the Roman army. Many Sicilian pirates were relocated to Bruttium and Rhegium to assist the Roman naval effort. Muttines was often trying to reap the rewards for other people's hard work.
   Scipio and Laelius captured New Carthage after a bloody battle at the outer walls. Several Roman attempts. After a tip-off from local fishermen, 500 Romans waded across the harbour at low tide and simply walked into the city. No-one was defending the walls. A surprise tactic. The Carthaginians tried to play down losing New Carthage, but they knew it was a huge blow losing a good strategic port and treasury. Many merchant ships and 'scorpion' weapons were captured. After securing Spain, a Celtiberian chief's beautiful daughter was in love with a Roman centurion who fought exceptionally well. He wanted to marry her, so his wish was granted by Scipio. The gratified girl's parents insisted on sending gold to Scipio, he reluctantly accepted the gift and decided to pass on the gold to the lucky centurian as a wedding present. A beautiful wife and gold - he didn't do too bad! Many Carthagininan captives were sent to Rome together with Numidian and Spanish prisoners. Mago and the two Hasdrubals were still at large and more legions were being sent to Spain to deal with the situation.
   Manlius did consistently well in fending off attacks in Sardinia. Historians seemed to neglect Sardinia a bit so Manlius was obviously doing a decent job out there, keeping the Carthaginians at bay.
   Fulvius took the Greek colony of Tarentum. Marcellus took Apulia. His first battle in Apulia against Hannibal was an embarrassing rout, where the troops gave up early and ran away from the enemy like chickens. Marcellus was furious and reprimanded his soldiers severely. At the rematch Marcellus rekindled their courage and the Romans beat the Carthaginians hands down, even turning Hannibal's elephants against him - they panicked and trampled the enemy as they were prone to do so on occasion. Marcellus fought in the van - leading by example. Carthalo surrendered but a Roman soldier failed to recognize the bloke and he was brought down with a spear. Democrates was a player.
   Capua was now well and truly back in Roman hands. Capua had lost most of its privileges because of a pronounced allegiance with Carthage. Treacherous Senators of Capua had committed suicide by drinking poison, which had actually taken a few days to kill them as they had drunk alcohol which slowed down the effects. Such was the Campanian anti-Roman stance. Hannibal was trying all his tricks and traps but the Roman leaders were growing ever wiser to his dirty surprise tactics.
   The Romans also took careful notice of particular omens that by coincidence often served them well. If someone reported seeing a talking ox, it was to be believed very seriously. Several rivers flowed with blood ( maybe down to a reflection of the sunset or maybe red soil discharged or even an injured animal ) and it rained stones ( hailstones probably). Statues moved and vultures landed on sacred places. A pig was born with a man's head and a kid was born with an elephant's head. (Elephaniasis?) Another child was born a hermaphrodite and another was born the size of the four year old. The baby was put in a box, and still alive, was thrown over the cliffs into the sea - to appease the gods and rid the Romans of a bad omen. Some omens were laughable by today's standards but in those days nothing was ignored. They generally believed lightning was caused by the gods. There were special 'strewing' couches to sit on to pray to the gods in these circumstances. Sometimes there was still time to conduct the Plebeian Games and posher Roman Games which always drew a crowd and was a good source of revenue. New taxes were imposed on recaptured provinces to assist the Roman effort. Some city leaders said they had no men or money left and this lead them into trouble with the government.
   Sometimes annual elections for the Roman Senate took place during the midst of important campaigns, such as when Marcellus had Hannibal on the run. It was a tricky decision having to recall consuls and commanders from the heat of battle. A dictator was often elected instead. Laevinus was also a Roman commander of note. Turditanus and Crassus too. Decimius was successful. Maximus was appointed a dictator. Hannibal often burnt the surrounding countryside in spite, if he was unable to capture a city. Romans started raids on Africa.
   Hannibal was still using tricks to fool the Romans, he hid in a woodland on a hill and ambushed them when Marcellus and Crispinus went to investigate with a cavalry. Marcellus was killed by a spear during this reconnoitre. Hannibal later stole Marcellus's signet ring, after he'd conducted a burial, he used it to send false letters to the Romans. The Romans sent heralds to other contingents to warn them not to be deceived by letters from Marcellus, as he'd been killed in Bruttium. Crispinus also died later from very severe wounds.

Crete and Thera

Knossos was the capital but other important towns were Lyktos and Gortyna. The Eastern side is Eteocretan. The Diktaein zeus is located here. Thera is in the Cyclades, a smattering of islands in the Aegean Sea. King Minos ruled at Knossos, supposedly fairly, but others say he was a tyrant and exacted tributes from everyone and could be cruel and ruthless. The two opposing powers of the island were often at war but sometimes they formed an alliance and there was less upheaval. Lots of Cretans migrated to other parts of Hellas and elsewhere in the Mediterranean and vice versa. The main port for Knossos was Herakleion. In earlier times it was Amisos. They say Crete was settled by Lacedaimonians, Dorians from Doris, Thessalians, and the migratory Pelasgians and is sometimes considered part of the Peloponnesos - but it's not. The Samonian Cape is east facing Egypt and the White mountains are in the west.
    Gifts were very often given to abducted lovers as was the custom, usually including a military uniform, a drinking cup and an ox which was sacrificed to Zeus and later consumed at a party attended by friends of the lovers. The friends of the lovers followed and made sure the lovers were compatible with each other. Other rich gifts were given, maybe a set of golf clubs, possibly York Fruits, well they would've been if they'd been invented! It was quite a long courtship lasting for two months including various entertainments and hunting expeditions. At any point the relationship could be averted and could be terminated - only by the Andreion who had a 'paidonomos' to supervise him. An expensive business was a paidonomos. If you were good looking and well bred it was said to be disgraceful not to have a lover. Looks were secondary to manliness and decorum. Money in Crete was provided by the State to balance out any equality and nobody starved in the mess halls which were ran for the 'herds' of young lads undergoing military training.
   Ancient Hellenes sometimes believed the sun went beneath the sea. The sun always sets in the west and the Phoenician word for sunset is 'europa', and this became the name of the continent in the west, after the goddess.
 Ephoros mentions crete in his tales. Kallimachus does too, as he was a fan of Crete, and who can blame him, with its decent climate and good wine. Mithridates IV was involved with Crete and he was King over in Anatolia. The Romans had a few run-ins with the bloke.
   Mallia is now a clubby resort that plays house and trance music and after midnight the streets are awash with vomit, and it's not far from Amnisos. A world of hedonism in summer: a long way from ancient Knossos or maybe it did have elements of that. From some accounts King Minos was no goody goody and could be a nasty bit of work. Phaistos is a port on the south coast facing the Libyan sea. Theothrastus comments about Greek lads in love in his book 'in love'. Delos became under Athenian rule during Strabo's time. They say Delos was an island that floated around the Aegean sea and a goddess once landed there and she wanted a solid platform to give birth so she erected four vast columns to anchor the island in place and Delos has retained it's strategic position ever since, particularly as a naval station and once the centre of the Delian League which eventually evolved into the Athenian League under Kimon, and then Pericles.
   Leukokomas of Leben once said to his lover Euxynthetos "go to Praisos and bring back my dog!" Cheek of it. When he got to Praises he may have seen the sanctuary of Diktaian Zeus from where Minos asked many questions every ninth year. I doubt Euxynthetos would've seen the woman Britomartis who escaped from the supposedly violent and tyrannical king Minos although some say he was a just man and civilised Cretans society with laws etc. Anyway Britomartis ran away regardless of whether he was good or bad and she jumped into a fisherman's net and she was called Diktyanna after having done so as the Greek word for net is Diktya. There is a Mount Dikte nearby. Well Euxynthetos obviously brought back his lover's dog and all was good. Now that's love for you. Maybe Euxynthetos said to Leukokomas "ok I got your dog now you go get mine, it's in China ha ha". Mt Dikte was said to be near Mt Ida but this is nonsnese as it is nowhere near it. Aratos doesn't alway get his brass tacks correct.

Hippocrates and Epicydes

Sicily was predominantly anti Roman and pro Carthaginian but they mainly wanted to be an independent state, similar to when King Hiero ruled, but now things had changed and they were tired of the Romans. The Roman assault of the harbour walls of Syracuse under Marcellus had been thwarted by the ingenuity of Archimedes. He invented many devices along the walls that helped repel the Roman attack, including grappling chains that lifted triremes and quinqueremes out of the water and dropped them upright, smashing the ships and crew against the rocks. Arrows and catapults were fired through small slots in the wall. The Romans too, had their ingenious weapon designs, which incuded a type of javelin that couldn't be thrown back by the enemy. The wall of Syracuse extended around the city to the plain where Roman foot soldiers tried an assault from another angle. Hippocrates and Epicydes had been instrumental in regaining Syracuse. The people of the city certainly supported them. The boy king Hieronymous had been murdered at Leontini and subsequently other members of the royal family were tracked down and killed. Adranodorus and his colleague was killed in Syracuse. Adranodorus was a Roman married to a daughter of Hiero called Damarata. Another princess was tracked down in Egypt, living in the court of King Ptolemy and married to a bloke in Alexandria called Zoippus. She asked to be relocated to Alexandria, as she felt herself to be a neutral party, concerning the war. Nevertheless she was killed by Carthaginian perpetrators. Her two daughters tried to flee the house, but they eventually died of multiple stab wounds. A nasty situation happened at Henna. A Roman commander Panilius surrounded the rebellious citizens of the town who were vehemently pro-Hannibal. They wanted the Romans out of Henna. Panilius waited for the right moment when the unarmed mob began to resort to violence during a speech. Panilius gave a sign ( pulling on his toga ) and soldiers armed with swords, rushed from the rear of the forum and slaughtered the rebels. Roman soldiers hunted the streets and killed people indiscriminately. It was a terrible massacre, enough to put a lump in anyone's throat, but Marcellus didn't complain when he heard about it. Megara was involved; another Greek colony. Himilco came across with reinforcements and more elephants from Africa. Sicily was a vital grain station for both camps. Achradina was a part of Syracuse.

Thessaly Revisited

Demetrias Poliorketes founded the Magnesian port of Demetrios, later subject to Philoctetes, situated on the north coast of the Pagasitic Gulf, near a temple of Demeter. The gulf was named after the old port of Pagasai or Pagai ( named after springs - pegai ) and was the place where Peleus ordered Jason to set sail in the Argo. Nearby Iolkos was razed by seditions and tyrannies, eventually swallowed up by Demetrios. Demetrios was a naval station used by many Macedonian kings in times past. ( Naupegia - ship building )
Thessaly, famed for beautiful women, had four parts: Thessalotis, Hestiotis, Pelasgiotis and Phthiotis. Phthiotis was subject to Achilles and his mate Patroclus, who fell at Troy. Other leaders were; Polypoites, Protesilaos, Eumelos, Medon,  Philoctetes, Eurypylus and Phoinix. Phoinix was a Dolopian. It is contested as to whether he was an advisor to Achilles in the Trojan war as he wouldn't have gone to war without his subjects. Ancient kings were Deucalion and the son of Heracles, Thessalos. Achilles once let his hair down to impress the River Sperchious, that emerges into the Maliac Gulf between Lamia and Thermopylai. Halos is nearby. Once central Thessaly, being flat and below sea level, was a big lake surrounded by mountains. An earthquake fractured the region between Ossa and Olympos and the lake flowed out to sea via the Pinious river near Tempe, thus draining the land. Lake Nessonis and Lake Boibis are the only remnants. Boibis is where an important local maiden once bathed her foot. Lake Nessonis is now dry farmland. It once had an embankment built by Perrhaibians to stop flooding. Philip II of Macedonia invaded the area, as he was prone to do at times. At the Lamian war, Antipatros lead the Macedonians against the Athenians under Leosthenes. The Romans beat the Macedonians later at Kynoscephalai. At Metropolis (Doris was one ) Kallimachus says that one of the Aphrodites preferred swine as a sacrifice. Pork sarnies all round!Skyros, where Achilles had a fling with Lycomedes, became one of Philip's conquests. It was an island renowned for goats and much exported variegated white stone, used in Rome to such excess, it was very common and thus became worthless, despite the stone's excellence. Pelasgian Larisa was a very popular city and indeed a popular name, what with there being at least a dozen Larisas across the Hellenistic lands. Pelasgian Argos is long gone. Phthiotic Thebes is gone. They say all of Phthiotis was once Achaian. Ithome became Thamai. Deucalion once ruled Thessaly and he named it Pyrrhia in honour of his wife, Pyrrha. The north was called Pandora after his mother and the south was called Haimonia. Deucalion had a son called Hellen and he gave his name to Hellas - the old name for Greece proper. Homer always thought of Hellas and Phtia as one. Antron is a port on the Maliac Gulf and gives its name to a reef called the arse of Antron. It is subject to Protesilaos. Xerxes' invasion by sea was foiled on the coast of Magnesia at Cape Sepias, when his ships were smashed up on rocks and beaches by typhoons. They say the Talarians once lived on Mt Pindos and took in some refugee Centaurs who were chased away from Hestiotis by Perrhaibians, but there's no trace of the Talarians today. Maybe the Centaurs killed them. Hesiod was a fan of the white peaks of Titanos and the Dotian lake and the Didymian Hills. River Titarios is said to be very oily. The magic helmet of Meges was burgled from a house in Eleon, near Mt Pindos, by Autolykos the tea leaf and it ended up being passed down to Odysseus. It rendered the wearer invisible, so Odysseus used it on a stealth mission and infiltrated the Trojan nightwatch during the build up to the siege of Troy. It's all true! Amphrysos river. Mopsos was here. Olizon is a port situated in Magnesia on the the southernmost cape. Mount Pelion dominates the skyline around the Pagasitic Gulf. Parocholeitai. Skotoussa is on the Pinious river. Pharkadon was another city, as was Pharsalos. Rhizous. There was also Aithikians Athamanians Elimotians and other tribes.

Mycenae and Tiryns

The Mycenians ate buns as there was a granary close to the Lion Gate. They exported and imported goods via the sally port. A cyclops built the city wall of Tiryns for Protos who may have worn a gold crown. Someone did, because Heinrich Schliemann the archaeologist found a gold crown in the Caves of Shaft. Cyclops' must've been good brickies. The residents of the palaces of Mycenae had decent plumbing and bathrooms. They migrated from Crete to the eastern Peloponnesos - although it wasn't called that in the bronze age. To the Mycenians it was uncharted land, long before Pelops invaded from the north and long before Spartan predominance. There were some indigenous tribes that probably had to be subdued or moved on. There was gold, silver, amethyst, faience and alabaster and there were plenty of skilled craftsmen. People drank wine or beer out of cups made from Egyptian ostrich eggs. I was at a pub in Tiryns once and there was an ostrich still in my cup. It pecked my fucking eye out. A cyclops said "you could get a job as a bricklayer now mate!" The barman scratched some words on a large jar that said "faulty ostrich cups - to be sent back." Inscriptions on jars found at archaeological sites often tell stories and give us clues about how ancient society operated. Little fragments of history. According to Pausanius, Aigisthos killed Atreus and others, who returned from Troy, at his banquet. Aigisthos knew Atreus had a stash of treasure in his cellars. Mycenae came to an abrupt end, once believed to have been destroyed by the Thera volcanic catastrophe but analysis shows Mycenaen civilization ending 150 years before Thera exploded. Maybe they all died of plague or famine, although there was an abundance of fertile lands in Greece at the time. Corinth was founded then and seems to have lasted beyond the age of Roman expansion into Greece. A city with a great history. One day a bloke called Kaysius came in and said "that's the way ah ha ah ha, I like it, ah ha ah ha that's the way" Everyone started boogieing down and some bloke said "it's a shame records haven't been invented yet as I reckon that tune would go straight to the top of the charts."

Hannibal down Bruttium

Hannibal's camp was now in Bruttium on the toe of Italy. He was trying to surround Rome and Latin territory. At Beneventum, Hannibal lost 20,000 men. Gracchus told his ex-slaves and convicts to cut the enemies heads off. Every head presented to the Roman consul would guarantee their individual freedom. This tactic certainly worked as many soldiers were going out of their way to cut the heads off Carthaginian corpses on the battlefield. This also caused problems as instead of carrying a more useful sword the Romans were carrying heads which Gracchus thought was starting to hinder the battle. Gracchus ordered the slave warriors to 'drop the heads' and this instantly improved the fighting. Gracchus also said that if the Carthaginians are defeated every slave and prisoner will be set free and granted Roman citizenship. This compelled them to go into manic mode and the Carthaginians were overwhelmed by a new Roman aggression. Hannibal knew his guys were flagging and were lacking incentive. Rome was gaining momentum. The Volturnus river offered a formidable crossing point. Naples, then Neapolis, was on alert. Nearby Puteoli was attacked by Hannibal. Meanwhile, Manlius was on alert in Sardinia. Someone had seen a spear on a statue move forward slightly and heard a cow talk and this was enough to have the Romans consulting the sacred books. A jar of prawns in a Co-op started spouting out Latin invective. It rained chalk supposedly. I'm just guessing it was hailstones. They say it rained stones on various occasions when it thundered and this phenomenon could be put down as hailstones. Who knows. New consuls and praetors etc were elected in Rome as was usual. Fabius had been elected for the fourth time despite protestations. It seems the second Punic war was a sort of rebellious uprising in Italy where the commoners were fed up with being subject to a corrupt and greedy aristocracy. The commoners of many Italian cities were rebelling against the local Senate. It was pretty much a class war! Greek colonies in Bruttium were under attack as they were mostly pro-Roman, including Croton. Wheat and barley were a priority. At Casilinum Hannibal constructed a defensive tower at the city wall, but the Romans had built a taller one. Much stone and missile throwing took place with the Romans having the edge. Eventually the fighting spilled into the gates.

Hamae and Xenophanes

Temple of Juno much frequented. Bit of a butchering administered by the Romans towards some treacherous Campanians. They were at an evening festival that stopped just before midnight and they were caught unawares by stealthy Romans under Gracchus. Most of the Campanians were too pissed and too tired to retaliate. They had also neglected to fortify their city walls. 2000 Campanians were killed. Their magistrate 'medix tutatis' and leader was killed in the process. Hamae wasn't far from Cumae and Casilinum, the sites of skirmishes. Once again many strange happenings such as a cow giving birth to a colt and raining stones had the Romans reaching for the Sacred Books and strewing couches and conducting other ceremonies to appease the gods. Thunder was heard and this was thought to be Jupiter taking a dislike to current events. Xenophanes was involved in the Philip of Macedon affair, where he attempted to infiltrate Rome by initially feigning friendship with Romans and then secretly having talks with Hannibal. Philip was offering Hannibal support, but the Romans smelled a rat on a ship bound for Macedon, the familiar Campanian accents betrayed hopes of getting away with the treacherous plan. The perpetrators were imprisoned and executed. Philip of Macedon was under much scrutiny - not to be trusted. He wanted a big chunk of Greece if Hannibal succeeded in conquering Rome. Philip of Macedon was an added irritance hindering Roman military planning. The Roman army was ramping up again, many convicts were enlisted and debtors were freed and cleared of their debts if they joined the frontline. Hasdrubal was annoyed about giving up Spain but his contingent was much needed in Italy. Mago held out in Spain but the Spaniards were a strong resistance, especially their cavalry. They were becoming increasingly more pro-Roman. The Ebro river was always a contested zone. Quintus Fabius had been consul three times. In Rome, a new Senate of 150 was elected and for the first time some plebeians were enlisted which caused class conflict. Numidians on the Carthaginian side tricked the Romans at Cannae by pretending to surrender. They threw their shields and arms to the ground, amongst the carnage. They were escorted to the rear of the Roman infantry and they suddenly picked up their weapons, when the Romans weren't expecting it during the battle, and inflicted much damage. Earlier, the Romans had fared worse due to an opposing wind blowing dust into their faces. It's a wonder why so many Numidians were trusted in that situation. Grain was a problem for the Carthaginians, as ports were continually blockaded to stop grain being delivered. A further 20 elephants had been ordered from Carthage. Himilco and Bostar were in Spain.   Tarentum and Brundisium were useful ports on the heel of Italy. Lavinum. Cales got a mention. Another god they devoted to was Mens, whoever he or she was. General Varro was still applying his 'gung ho' tactics in contrast to Paullus's more cautious bearing - Paullus was unfortunately killed by spears at Cannae. He died fighting and was already wounded severely. Varro had his methods. Petelia was a town caught in the fray. The tribal Boii were tricky Celts; you had to watch some of them. And the Tartesii. (Anything ending in two I's - watch 'em!) Buteo was elected as Roman dictator. Now there were two dictators, which was unprecedented, but one dictator was annoyed at not having his Master of the Horse, which was an essential second in command. Aedile turned curule. Some bloke killed someone by throwing his thyrnix at them - whatever that was. Hannibal gave up trying to take Nola and Naples as they offered fierce resistance. Capua was trying to free itself from Hannibal too. I feel things aren't going totally as planned despite his relentless siege warfare and pitched battles along the Appian Road, a main Italian artery. Flaccus gets going. Titus Tarquatus was always about. Scipio captured 16 elephants in Spain and many prisoners and horses. Hannibal realised his men were flagging, he tried in vain to motivate them.

Edward Gibbon of Emperor Julian's Persian Expedition

After the death of Constantine, the pagan Roman Emperor Julian, inspired by Alexander the Great, marched against Persia with a great army of 60,000, nearly ten miles long. As they marched through Mesopotamia, a long string of ragged camels had suddenly joined the rear. Their intention was almost certainly to help themselves to some of the generous army rations, which included a large barrel of exceptionally good biscuits. Julian did indeed have an auxilliary group of Skythians and some Saracens too, who rode dromedary and bactrian camels, but they were well accounted for. Somewhere between Circesium and Macepracta, the superfluous camels had alerted Julian's attention and aroused his suspicions. The camels were intercepted, rigorously stopped in their tracks and dismissed thus preventing them from stealing the Emperor's biscuits.

Cannae and Capua

The Romans lost over 10,000 foot soldiers and cavalry to Hannibal at Cannae. Two big legions in fact. A dead Roman had been seen in the carnage, still biting the saddle of a Carthaginian horse. Cannae was biggest rout they had suffered since Trasimene. This lark couldn't continue. Hannibal had designs on capturing Rome and conquering the world. A Roman consul was sent to the Oracle at Delphi in Greece which was still very much operational. He received a letter that outlined the advice given by the Pythia. In a favourable prophecy, the gods supposedly said they would back him if he donated them plenty of gold, after Hannibal was defeated. Good news and bad news really. Many omens were spotted in various cities across Italy, which lead people to believe it really was the end of the world. The Sacred Books were often consulted. Two Vestal virgins were put to death after being deflowered by a randy senator. One girl was buried alive at the Colline Gate, as was customary for this particular brand of crime. Hannibal seized the affluent city of Capua, capital of Campania, which was richer than Rome in 200BC. The Capuans now indulged in a lavish and seemingly decadent lifestyle and were in two minds about who they should be allied with. The new governor, Calavius, was a bit of a treacherous fellow and had worked his way up the greasy pole of local politics by much chicanery. Some dignitaries were sent to a sauna whereupon he locked the door and they all choked to death on the steam. He was chummy with Hannibal and had ideas about killing the Senate and defecting to Carthage. His son was appalled by his dad's behaviour and one day at a banquet over at Hannibal's gaff he told his dad he was going to chop Hannibal's head off with a big sword. He showed his dad the sword in the garden. His dad was taken aback and talked him out of it saying that he would end up as public enemy number one and would be doing himself or the family no favours. It certainly might've changed the course of events. Cannae was such a disaster for Rome they press ganged children, prisoners and 8000 slaves into the new army. The Romans were very tenacious and never surrendered despite the overwhelming odds against them. They also knew Hannibal was getting tired and his food supplies were getting low as he had many legions to feed. The rumour of his eating human flesh is unsupported. He was no doubt cruel at times. A Roman consul delivered a rousing speech which injected much solidarity and new confidence into the Roman citizens. A stern old Roman reckoned the army had made a mockery of things at Cannae so advised people not to pay any money for the hostages. He said it was disgraceful that they turned themselves in when they should've escaped when Carthaginians were resting at night. He had a point but he wasn't at the Battle so he didn't know all the circumstances. The young Scipio would eventually be the great Roman general to win the war. He had no intention of ever giving in to the Carthaginians and when he heard some fellow consuls talking like dirty traitors he threatened them with death by his sword if they didn't instantly change their attitude. This approach worked. Scipio went to work stirring up patriotism and appeasing the gods, Apollo in particular, in preparation for a new offensive. Mago was sent across to Carthage in Africa for reinforcements - as Hannibal Barca was aware of the courageous Roman spirit and he knew this wasn't the end of the matter. Romans were starting to form new alliances with old Gallic foes as the Gauls thought Hannibal had turned out to be a bit too tyrannical for their liking. The Gauls would pretty much go with whoever was winning the war but they were a funny old lot and never to be completely trusted. The Carthaginian navy were still having a pop at Roman held Lilybum in Sicily and King Hiero was getting a bit cross. He was a Roman ally. Sicily was vital for grain and fruit supplies. Hannibal tried to capture Ibiza Town but gave up on that one. Probably too many clubbers blocking the way while queueing for Pacha!

Mykalus in Lakonia (Spelt with a K like Strabo did)

My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. One day I decided to have a butchers at Sparta and I arranged to have a chat with a Lacedaimonian called Brasidas about some hooky pinewood.
   I got rabbiting to a bloke called Antimachos in the pub - The Erupting Taygetos. He told me Laconia was all part of Argos once ( you could get a decent lawnmower in the latest catalogue. Only joking.) One day old King Agis wanted more income so he took away a lot of privileges and imposed new taxes on his subjects and most of them reluctantly complied apart from a bunch of rebels in Helos. They lost during the War of the Helots and those captured became the official state slaves of the Spartans. They got a pretty bloody raw deal until the Romans took over Sparta and set them free
   Sparta is surrounded by mountains,  dominated by Taygetos, a volcano which is now mined by the Romans. They sometimes call it Hollow Sparta because of this location. The suburb of Limnai, where I bought some decent wood, was once a right old marsh but that was long ago and it's now as dry as a nun's flange. Limnai actually means marshy.
   They reckon just down the old frog and toad there's a cave near the sea where Hercules dragged that big old three headed dog Cerberus up from Hades. That's the myth anyway. A dog with three heads would get through a fuck load of Pedigree Chum!
   Eurykles is the guv'nor of Sparta these days and he decided he wanted the island of Kythera. He apparently does things like that occasionally. Can't blame him, I popped over to Kythera for a drop of vino and it's a bloody nice manor.
  I had a little trot to Onougnathos along the coast via Helos - which used to be a city but now it's only a bloody village. As in most places round here it gets a mention by Homer. The Greek poet Homer, not bloody Homer Simpson you berk! I had to jump over the Eurotas that flows into the gulf of Laconia. They reckon the people of Helos are descendants of bloody Perseus. Had a quick sherbert in Kyparissia in a nice pub called The Peninsula.
   Had a chat with Epicharmos who always cuts his words short for some reason. Instead of saying lion he says li, which is apparently quite a common thing amongst some of these highbrow philosophical types. Well everyone to their own. He probably says fac instead of factory. Could just be typos as it happens to me all the time with my dodgy phone keys. That'll teach me to buy an hooky dog n bone from a fucking Persian. I knew a bloke called Simmias who kept texting dodo until I realised he meant Dodona, a manor up north where there's an oracle, second in importance to the one in Delphi.
  Back in the pub in Sparta I met Ephoros and he's a clever bastard. He told me two Herakleidai heavies called Eurysthenes and Prokles came and ran Laconia. They gave a city called Amyklai to an insider, who advised their leader and his subjects to fuck off to Ionia. All very amicable in those days. They accepted a fair wack of immigrants to fill up the region and designated some as kings of cities. Las was used as a navy port. It was the son of Eurysthenes, Agis who started on the Helots after his 'all in this together' crap and austerity measures. He made sure he still got his luxuries I bet!
   Eurykles caused a bit of bother with the Romans recently wanting more grapes but it was all nipped in the bud and I think he was either exiled or executed. Don't fuck with Caesar mate! What would old Pelops be thinking? Not a lot, as he died fucking yonks ago. They say he was the founder of the whole peninsula they now call the Peloponnesos, of which Laconia is a small part, but because of Sparta being the capital, it's a bit more larger than life. Lycourgos was a bit of a player too -  they erected a sanctuary to the bloke and people come and pay their respects every year. I bet they do! Pausanius was banished for some reason but he got to write some good books about the laws of Lycourgos and his panegyrics ( good moral speeches basically.) Anyway here's my panegyric - fuck off I'm going home for a cup of tea!

Pergamon Sardis and Hierapolis by a Mate of Mykalus

   Try saying Katakekaumene after a few Veras me old china! (Catta-keck-a-mean) a very burnt area without trees but plenty of vines and the Cattakeckamenitic wine is said to be as sumptuous as any. The area is ashy and black but the wine is good. Not far from Mysian Philadelphia, which is constantly getting mashed up  but loyal residents like the challenge of living in a precarious volcanic city. Most folks live in the farms in the surrounding area instead. They say the earthquakes are instigated by the god Typhon who has fifty heads supposedly. Bit of a vengeful bloke.
   They say that during the festivals at the sanctuary of Artemis near lake Koloe at Gygaia even the baskets dance. Old Strabo the geographer said it was a load of bollocks. They say Koloe could be an artificial lake which was dug in order to syphon off water as the area regularly experiences flooding. Situated next to the lake is the mound of Alyattes and Herodotus said it was built entirely by prostitutes and all the women of the town were prostitutes and the mound is dedicated to prostitution.
   Kallisthenes reckons Sardis was taken by the Kimmerians. Good leather workers in Hyde but Hyde doesn't appear to exist anywhere but it's curious how the word leather is synonymous with the word hide. Some think Hyde was actually Sardis. Pindar was sceptical of this story. Sardis is the royal city of the Lydians. Mt Tmolos lies above the city. The Persians built an exedra made of white stone on the top of its peak. Gold dust was carried down the Paktolos stream making the city affluent and luxurious. Old Kroisos became very rich on it. He must have been up in that exedra plenty of times looking over his splendid city of gold. The roman Emperor Tiberius has rebuilt much of Sardis which has been hit by Typhon of the fifty heads many times
over the years and there's even pub called the Rumbling Ground. Zonas was from Sardis who tried to get the people to revolt against King Mithridates VI.
    Pergamon had a succession of kings going back to that old sibling killer, Lysimachus. Philatairos of Tios the eunuch ran the fortress for years while Seleukos invaded and Ptolemy overthrew Seleukos. Philatairos held out throughout the troubles. He had two brothers Eumenes and Attalos. Eumenes became king and beat off Antiochos I at Sardis. Attalos I succeeded to the throne and conquered the Galatians and was mates with Rome and beat Philip of Macedon with the help of the Rhodian navy. Eumenes II became king and was also mates with Rome in the war against Antiochus III the Great and Perseus of Macedonia. He really made Pergamon a splendid city and installed a sanctuary to Nikephorion. After 49 yrs Attalos III became king but he was a kid so Eumenes brother Attalos II was his guardian. He beat Demetrios and with the Romans he fought the Macedonians and Kainians. Then a guardian called Philometer was in charge. The Romans later called it Asia.
   At Hieraklion there are hot springs and the Plutonion. It is said the water solidifies and turns to stone. Could be calcification. Streams make their own fences of stone. Calcification? The hole is deep and a man could fit down it. A strange cloud forms when it fires up but it's harmless when calm. A bull was thrown in and died instantly. Strabo threw in some sparrows who immediately croaked. The Galloi people use it for some sort of religious ceremony and climb down and hold their breath but sometimes look as though they're choking in ecstacy. They are eunuchs so it's probably not a sexual high. More of an elation. They say the water solidifies but it is still potable. That's fine then. Hierapolis is full of natural baths. Mesogis river.
   Antiocheia is on the Maiandros river near Phrygia and is famous for a certain dried fig which is called the three leaf fig. Again so full of earthquakes you don't know where to put your foot. My beer disappeared down a crack. Diotrephes the sophist lives here but never seen him.
   Kabalis is just down the road.

Samos and Pygela with Mykalus

"My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy bastard. One day I had a tip off that there was good cypress trees in Ortygia in Ionia. I stopped at the city of Ephesos which was founded by Androcles, son of Codros the codpiece who was king of the Athenians. Even now Ephesos has kings, being a fancy royal seat where the kings have the privilege of front seats at the games and are allowed to wear purple robes and codpieces. They say old Smyrna was in Ephesos but now Smyrna is a different city up the frog and toad. Smyrna was an Amazonian who named the city Smyrna. Old Mimnermos wrote a book called the Nanno and it says the Smyrnians moved on to bloody Colophon. Well he wrote a bit more than that otherwise it wouldn't have been much of a book would it? He says the Colophonians had such a fucking handy army and navy they were always useful allies to have and they would put an end to a bloody war straight away. There is a proverb where people say 'that's put a Colophon on it' and that means it's put an end to the matter!
   Had a beer in Miletos where they built one of the biggest temples in Asia but they didn't have any money left to build a roof, so it's open air. Miletos is a well known Cretan establishment. Miletians settled everywhere including Abydos and all round the bloody Euxine Sea. I think they even have a branch of Millets.
   I stopped in the Carian village of Thymbria which has a cave full of deadly exhalations that kills birds. I had a swift half in a pub called the Dead Chaffinch.
   Went to Tregillion. Nice art and sculptures by a bloke called Myron and one day a Roman bloke came along and nicked some of the best statues. Another Roman called Sebastus Caesar put them all back but he took a fancy to the statue of Zeus so he nicked it and put it in a purpose-built shrine in the Capitolium in Rome. Well the Romans are in charge so what can you do? If you complain, you'll catch a cold mate.
    Grabbed the old Chuck Berry over to the Isle of Samos, admittedly their wine's a bit pony but their bird's milk is second to none. One day Polykrates threw a gold ring into the sea and later on a fisherman caught the salmon that had swallowed it. They gutted the fish and found the ring and Polykrates said 'if this kind of thing happens to aristocrats like me it must mean I'm gonna die' and he was right, cos the bloody Persian governor captured him one day and hanged him for treason! Pythagoras heard this and fled for Egypt but came back thinking the Persians had done a Burton, but they were still about, so he went to Italy. Who can blame him. Polykrates' brother Syloson was given governorship of Samos by King Darius but he turned out to be a right evil cunt and there's a proverb that says 'on account of Syloson there is open space'.
   Kreophylos was a bloke who taught the poet Homer (who wrote about the Trojan War). It's disputed as his teacher could've been Aristeas. Had a pig's ear in the pub: The Disputed Teachers. Nice gin.
   Icarus flew too close to the sun over Samos and the wax melted his wings so he crashed and died, the nutter!
   Had a look at Pygela and the sanctuary of Artemis and found out Agamemnon called the city Pygela because everyone had buttock pain and the Greek word for arse-ache is pygalgea. Not a lot of people bloody know that. So they worshipped bloody Artemis and he gave them Nobby Stiles.
   Grabbed a cartload of cypress wood from Ortygia which is named after Leto's nurse as the goddess gave birth to some dustbins here by the river Kenchrios. The Kouretes who lived on the nearby mountainside had noisy weapons which frightened off the goddess Hera as she was hiding up an olive tree watching Leto screaming in pain while giving birth to dustbins. Hera was jealous as she wanted some of her own dustbins. Skopas sculpted a xoanan of Ortygia holding a dustbin in each arm and there's an annual festival where a lot of blokes turn up and eat a lot of scraps of food. I had a wild boar pie anyway and toasted Leto with a double Ouzo and some cold pizza that the Romans have brought over from Neapolis."

Tamaison Cape

Tamaison Cape is where the cave is where Hercules grabbed Cerberus by the knackers and dragged him out of Hades and he didn't want to come out. Lerne was a busy port on the Argolian gulf. Argos was practically built on top of the ruins of Mycaenae and was once the name for the whole of the Peloponnesos. Argos. Home of the argonauts. Argives. Tiryns was an important port of Argolis. Hermione was a port homonymous with the Hermionic Gulf. It was said that someone threw a tile at a king. It wasn't Gripper Stebson.  Eurysthenes was mentioned. The land in Sparta was marshy but in amongst the mountains it was a hard place to invade as it was like a natural fortress thus it was a good place to be a Spartan. Some parts were not as marshy and several icons and herons stood on dry ground. The Greeks actually spent some time colouring their statues and robes contrary to what some celebrity antiquarians and historians purport. They loved a bit of colour. Cruickshank would lead us to believe those statues were probably all plain boring white marble which he no doubt thinks would add an air of pomposity to his take on classical history but Kitto would smack his nose and tell him the Greeks loved colour and would certainly have taken a prime colour palette to Cruickshank's grey bastard face. Horse drawn chariots created a nice breeze too which is something nice on a hot Peloponnesian day. In summer a load of chariots would've been most welcome to get the washing dry. Alternatively a dip in the Laconic gulf or in the stymphalian lake or in the river Eurotas would cool the cobbles if you were daft enough to stay out in the midday sun reading one of the latest blockbusters from Aristotle. Unfortunately you couldn't go to Boots in Sparta and get a bottle of after sun.
  Lake stymphalia was in Arcadia and was where the mythical birds with brazen claws attacked Hercules. He overcame them as part of his Labours. Most cities had some sort of acropolis whether it was a rock or wall or stump or a stone platform high above the town. Acro meaning high. Polis meaning city. Lycaurgus was in the area and had an altar in Sparta dedicated to him as he was renowned for being smart and the Spartans liked him and nearby they erected a heron. Calla meaning full. Calamitous. Callous.
   Kythera was the home of Aphrodite the goddess of love and beauty whom the romans identified with Venus. The story goes that Kronos had a disagreement with his dad Uranus. Kronos cut his bollocks off and they fell into the sea and Aphrodite was born from the foam and she swam to an oyster shell for protection and she managed to reach Cyprus with the help of Zephyrus the west wind. Obviously a standard conception and birth back in those days now commemorated in a painting by Botticelli.
  The word Halcyon comes from the Halcyon birds because Zeus changed some people who upset him into kingfishers who were dubbed the Halcyon birds and they still nest on Kythera to this day and they had these peaceful moments which we now call Halcyon days. It all happened on Kythira.
   Pausanius wrote about some stuff. I think a trip to Peloponnesos could be in order. Lots to check out.
   Someone in the pub just mentioned the Compleat Angler in Chinnor but it's a bit irrelevant. Champagne on arrival and a rude bucket. Who knows?
   Odd dream based in Miami swimming down the Biscayne canal with family and Kym was swimming and a white headed bull shark was a few metres below in the murky blue water but they were friendly sharks although it was a bit disconcerting. Funny thing I woke up and I was drenched because my bedroom heater was on too high!
   Get some scallops and make a nice little boudin. And you call me posh. I prefer crab to lobster tbh. There's a place down the new forest and they catch crabs and you can eat them there and then. Carrots have no chance against a lobster. Chefs talk. You don't need one down your Brian Cants. Claws are the best much better than the body and get some pears and creme fraiche and brioche loaf in there its nice frozen and nosh nosh. Monday.
  

The Brass Bull of Agricentum

The king of Agricentum had a big brass statue of a bull. It was used as a death penalty. It was hollow and he lowered the prisoner into it through a hatch near the shoulder blades. Once the condemned man was inside, the hatch was bolted shut and a fire was lit beneath the bull's stomach. There were holes at the nostrils. When the victim started to roast you could hear the screams through the nostrils and the king and his party thought it sounded like a real bull roaring. Sicilian civilization at its peak!
One day a bloke upset the king and he ended up inside the bull. The king ignited the furnace below it and the bloke inside it said "phew it's getting a bit balmy in here. Stinks of brass. Shit the bed it's starting to make me sweat a little bit. Fuck beans, my beard is melting!"
In a vain attempt he tried to cling on the hatch above and hang from a small rod.
"Bugger this. My fingers can't hold on. Aaaaaaarrrrgh"
Outside the king and his entourage of courtiers were drinking wine and entertaining some sluts while the bull cooked the bloke. He was raised out and a chef sliced him into portions and he was distributed on various plates as part of the banquet. The king tried a bit of sliced liver and nodded. "Very good. A little overdone but otherwise very good"
A prostitute called Danae, sampled the man's penis and said "Delicious and chewy. Rather like salami. Compliments to the chef!"
An excited guest accidentally spilled *lotus wine and silphium juice on the King's robe and this annoyed him greatly. The guest apologised profusely but the king was in no mood for such genuflection and ordered him to be put to death in the bull. The other guests and prostitutes laughed and clapped as the guest, who was a Syracusan accountant, fought with all his might and managed to escape the clutches of the guards and ran for miles and hid in a silver bull, similar in design to the brass one. Big mistake. This bull belonged to King Agathocles of Syracuse and he loved cooking people that tried to escape from the king of Agricentum. When he found out the man was a crooked accountant who had embezzled a large quantity of gold from his palace at Syracuse, it was goodnight Vienna for the bloke. The victim stuck two fingers through the bull's nostrils and they were the only part of him that didnt get cooked. Stupid idiot hiding in a bull. What did he expect? If you're gonna be cremated alive in a brass bull you don't go hiding in a silver bull!

*Lotus wine, by the way, is extracted from the honey lotus tree in Libya. The lotus eaters loved it. Libya encompassed all of  known Africa back in pre-Roman times, aside from Egypt which has always been regarded as a separate entity. Some lotus eaters who lived in the desert were said to chew the watery roots of the lotus plant - so there is a debate as to who the original lotus eaters were. I watched The Spy Who Loved Me and Jaws ate James Bond's Lotus Esprit sports car, so he could be considered as a modern lotus eater!

Old Smyrna with Mykalus Kane

"My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. One day I rode to Leukai to get some oak. I had a butchers at Old Smyrna on route, which is bloody old. I considered getting the Chuck Berry over to the isle of Chios but no, I need to get back to Mazaka for a ceremonial ox roast later. Chios spawned Theopompus and Theokritos, who were brainy bastards but didn't share the same political views. The Chians reckon Homer was from their island too, but they all say that.
   Got to Smyrna by eleven,  just in time for a bit of kidney at the Metroon near the closed harbour that today stinks of shit. Well, old Lysimachus did a lovely job of paving the streets with the finest fucking marble but he forgot to provide underground drainage, so when it rains the sewage runs on the surface. It's chucking it down today and there's fucking excrement all over the shop. I went in the Homereion museum and there was crap seeping through the cracks in the walls of the quadrilateral stoa and I looked at the statue of Homer, took my hat off and said 'beg your pardon old mate, but there's shit all over your plinth'. They say old Dolabella killed Tregonius here, who was one of the blokes responsible for the death of Caesar the God. Bloody Romans think he's a god but there you go. I was lucky today, as buried in the sodden dung I found a little gold coin with Homer's face on it and they're as rare as rocking horse shit! Today you would be forgiven for thinking there's a few rocking horses about! The Meles river is well up and the walls are just about keeping it contained because if that breaches there'll be a flood on their hands, but then again it might wash some of the tom tits out to sea. Had a quick beer in a pub called the Death of Caesar and I went on my Edna.
   Trotted along to Leukai and gave the old Charing Cross a few apples. The rain had eased up into drizzle. The oracle was right, she said it would do that. I stocked up on oak at a wood merchants and hit the pub. I sat at the bar and the barman was the chatty sort. I said 'busy today shinker?' He wiped a stone cup clean with a rag and filled it with wheat beer and said 'Had a few cunts in. Not many.' I said 'why's this place called The Revolutionary?' He went on to tell me 'because one time, old Aristonikos drank here. After King Attalos III croaked it, old Aristonikos started a revolution. Bit of a Che Guevara was this bloke. He told everyone he was royalty and therefore had a claim on the territory. Proper delusions of grandeur. Anyway he grabbed a load of useless cunts called the Heliopolitans from up in the mountains and he promised them all great riches if they joined his cause. So a lot of them were taken in and they went to war and took Thyateira and Apollonis - two little pisspot villages!  He used Napoleon style tactics by doing very unexpected things on the spur of the moment as they say. King Nikomedes of Bithynia and some Cappadocian kings weren't having any of it so they formed an alliance with the Romans under Crassus and Peperna. Eventually, after a fierce naval battle near Kyme, they took Aristonikos back to Rome and threw him in the slammer and he topped himself. Peperna and Crassus both died in the battle for Leukai so it's seen a lot of bother has this little old manor. Old Manius the Roman runs the show now. It's reasonably civilized apart from Dog the Heliopolitan drunk with a chip on his shoulder, who still regards Aristonikos as the king and won't be told what to do by a bunch of fucking Trojan rejects, which is what some people call the Romans. Achilles himself said the Trojans were arrogant bastards before he lanced Hector in the Gregory, so there you go. Have a good day.'
    I thought shall I trot along to Magnesia? I realised the time was ticking on so I did the old Hi Ho Silver back across the interior via Sardis and was back in Mazaka by teatime. So that's enough from me today, now fuck off it's time for a cup of bloody tea!"         

Lykia and Pamphylia

The Corcyrian Caves are now known as the Heaven and Hell caves. The underground river was very clear and pure that ran to the sea and was called the Bitter Water. Amongst the shrubs that grew here was the saffron crocus. The caves are actually sinkholes.
    Aratos wrote the original Phainomena. Pompeiupolis was a later Roman settlement built on Soloi where pirates were resettled. The Issic gulf is the eastern Mediterranean at Israel. Issus is a city that gave it its name. Philamon the comedic poet was from the area. Panaitios too. Pamphylia pamphlet? Zenothetes.
   Xanthos is one of the larger cities who voted in three representatives. Proportional representation. Myra was another big city. The Chelidonian islands lie off Lykia near Pisidia. Cleopatra VII liked Antonius and he liked her.
   Isaura pirate said Isauricus and I destroyed him at Isaura along with the other pirates as they were an eyesore. Servilius Isauricus.
   Chimaira monster from near Mount Antikragos and city of Kragos and Pandaros the Trojan was honoured near Pinara. Kragos is similar to the Gaelic word crag. Gaelic gall gaul Galatians. All one race.
   Lykian Phaselis was razed by Alexander the Great when he opened the narrows of Termessos and he navigated the narrow passage at the foot of Mt Klimax in stormy weather. The tide was in and the coastal area was flooded so he and his army spent most of the day wading up to their bellies in water coming in from the Pamphylian Sea.
  River Kataractes was very torrential and noisy and can be heard as far as Berlin. Attaleia was named after King Attalos. Kallisthenes says the Trojans came to Pamphylia. Korakesion is the start of Rough Kilikia or Trachiotis. Level Kilikia is called Pedias. Herodotus says the Trojans followed Amphilochos and Kalchas. Others went with Mopsos over the Tauros mountains.
   In Kilikia there was a revolutionary  called Diodotus who operated from Korakesion, a fortress on a rock called Tryphon. Diodotus urged the Syrian and Kilikian people to revolt against the Seleukian kings and he was eventually locked up in a cell by Antiochus VII and was forced to kill himself. Other uprisings quickly followed suit as is often the case in revolutions. The people began to revolt against these nasty kings. Kilikian pirates took advantage of the situation and captured people and sold them as slaves to the Romans at the great naval base and emporium of Delos. This was a lucrative trade as the Romans paid good money for slaves as they were very wealthy and made much use of slaves since the capture and plundering of Corinth and Karchedon. The slaves were easy to capture in times of great upheaval. It was one ship in and one ship out. The Romans sent Scipius Aemilianus along to monitor the slave situation as it was getting quite ruthless. The kings of Egypt and Cyprus and the Rhodians were getting in on the slave trade in the guise of supporting the cause of the revolutionaries as they were enemies of the Syrians. Scipius and other Romans decided not to intervene as the Romans had ratified the hereditary succession of the Seleukian kings and were too proud to admit that they had fucked things up by doing so! The slave trade continued with the Kilikians calling themselves slave traders instead of pirates thinking that it sounded less evil. The terrible rule of King Seleukos Nikator of Syria was the straw that broke the camel's back and paved the way for the Parthians, sometimes known as Arsakes. The Romans had no choice but to go to war with the Parthians and kicked them out of Kilikia after a few bloodthirsty battles. The Romans then gave the Kilikians their country back along with their coastline and there was peace at last.
   "One sees the sickness in Tarsos especially in its excrement" said Athenodoros, teacher of Caesar, at an assembly. This relates to the man who had splattered diarrhoea extensively on his front door and walls of his house. Prior to this, Boethus the bad poet was exiled from Tarsos and his government was dissolved by Athenodoros son of Sandon.

The Euxine Coast of Asia

Tanais was a city on the Tanais river that flows into the Maiotic lake. It was once a Hellenic colony. Strabo says it King Polemon I raided it for its disobedience. It was an emporium where Asiatic and European nomads brought slaves and hides in exchange for designer clothes and fine wine and other civilised wares. Nomads and Bosporians. Polemon pushed his luck a bit too much and subsequently suffered death in the hands of those wreaking revenge for his attacks where he often feigned friendship before attacking.
   In Phanagoreia near the Bosphorus, there lies a sanctuary to Aphrodite. There's a myth in which the Gigantes attacked her there so she summoned Hercules and hid him in a cave and then she admitted the Gigantes one by one and they were thus slaughtered by Hercules treacherously and deceitfully. This place was near Pantikapaion the main emporium on the Maiotis. There is is said to be large reserves of salted fish near Great Rhombites where the Maiotian farmers worked and there are lookouts along the coast to observe the fish, said to me Klazomenian. Near Dioskourias the lice eaters were called the Phtheirophagians who were given that name due to their squalor and filth.
   The Heniochians named after heniochoi which is the hellenic word for charioteer were piratical and used small lightweight wooden boats called kamarai  to raid merchant ships on the Pontic carrying twenty to thirty robbers in each boat. Because their coastline was mountainous bordering on the Caucasus they would carry the kamarai on their shoulders and store them in the forest. At night they would sometimes practice kidnapping always setting their abductee free as they always needed money. The kamarai were often sunk in counter attacks. They were said to be originally from Laconia on the Peloponnesos.

Boiotia Notes

The state of Eros by Praxiteles is at Thespia. Krisaian Gulf said to be the deepest part of the Corinthian. They must have tested it somehow - maybe they used with a pine tree trunk marked with stadia. Lysippus later sculpted a bronze version. No more Haliartos today as it's been razed to the ground by Perseus. It was on lake Copai in central Boiotia. There were said to be doves at Thisbe. Kopaic lake was once dry and the Kephissis river flows from it from the Phocian mountains.
   Skolos is a village in Parasopian Boiotia  below Kithairon it is a rugged place that is difficult to live in, from which there is the proverb "do not go to Skolos or even go there with someone else." They say that this is where Pentheus was brought when he was torn to pieces.
   Near Thebes there is a spring called Dirke where there is a myth about Glaucus who was torn to pieces by the Potnaian mares who didn't have much respect for Glaucus. Must have been vicious horses. Not far is Thespia.
    Hesiod lived in Askre, a village and quote "He settled near Helikon in a wretched village Askre bad in winter difficult in summer and good at no time" I say book a holiday there now. Later Zenodotos revising Homer says that Askre is rich in grapes which contradicts what Hesiod had said and indeed Eudoxos who apparently said far worse things - the slightest mention of the place would launch Eudoxos into a string of invective. Strabo goes along with popular opinion and believes it is not a good place for grapes. Who really knows. Maybe they had a good year when Zenodotos was there or maybe he just wanted to cock a snook at Hesiod.
  Helos Helikon etc all named because of being on marshy soil from the word 'hele' meaning marshy. Many areas of Greece being marshy which is normal in mountainous country, similar to Scotland with its mountains and moors.
   Farthest Anthedon. More proof the Boeotians were called the Aonians. The Kopaic lake was supposed to be once dry and was good farmland and this made the Boiotians rich and powerful and they gained many other lands from this power. Another reason is Boiotia is surrounded by seas with access to Italia Sikelia and Libya. It all adds to the pot.
   Lebadeia in the mountains had an Oracle dedicated to Zeus. It is said that there were many groves created by Poseidon and these groves, usually in ravines, were not always resplendent and lush places as Homer always seemed to infer - but I can understand why Homer dressed them up with more trees than they have now. Some groves may have been over-harvested or maybe they receive less water in present day Greece. I personally prefer a leafy grove and I'm with Homer on this one. Ptioin mentioned.
   Zethos and Amphion were twin sons of Zeus and Antiope who were said to have founded Thebes. Euripodes says Zeus raped Antiope and the twins were left to fend for themselves. Oedipus is said to have lived in Thebes with his wife Jocasta. Kassander built Thebes back up again. Epimeinondas was the main Thebian commander who gave Boeotia a brief spell of affluence.
  Plataeia is where a great battle was fought between the Greeks and Persians under the command of Mardonios who was the nephew of Darius and related to Xerxes. 80,000 Greeks beat 300,000 Persians. The name Plataeia may derive from the flat plate on the end of oars as the old residents were rowers and since then the waters have gone but the name remains as a legacy to the past inhabitants. It's a tenuous bit of etymology.
   The Pelasgians were driven south to Athens where they settled in a suburb called Pelasgia and were known to be wanderers like birds hence their name. Pelican comes from it.
   Ephoros says quite a lot.
   I think it was the Boiotians who consulted the Oracle at Dodona before a battle and the Oracle was three priestesses and one of them was faithful to the opposing side and she gave biased opinions so the Boiotians wanted the priestesses exchanged for men which was their custom so the two priestesses had to go as one had been slain for her bias and the men took charge of the Dodonian Oracle.

Attica and Athens

Attica. Mounychia built on the peninsula above Peiraieus, modern Perios,  the port of Athens and Mounychia was on a sort of mound with many holes dug in where people dwelt. Athens was capital of Attica from Akte.
Soiunous. Megaris which was once considered part of Attica before Homer's time. Mounychia became Munichia and  could possibly be the etymology behind Munich in Germany. Not sure.
  Off the coast was the island Salamis where the Greeks routed the Persians in a naval battle. King Kychrea unleashed a serpent on Salamis known as the Kychraelian serpent and it supposedly wreaked havoc and was not wanted on the island so it was beaten off by Eurylochus.
  (I noticed a Siamese cat up a Reading back street on the way to The Oasis which is no longer a corner pub but a community cafe. The cat sat behind an iron garden gate and looked and blinked and was somewhat unperturbed. The Castle Tap is now selling real ales.)
  Athens had suburbs inc Aphidna, Lyceiam and Peiraieus the port. The Parthenon was built by Ikselos. Potable water is mentioned again as there were many springs across the city.
    Statues of the Macedonian king Kasandros were all taken down and melted and I'll tell you why. Kasandros reigned over an Athenian oligarchy wrested from the tyranny before and people believed it was a fairer government. It was a successful situation for most in the city and Demetrios was granted governorship. Things got a bit unfair and when Kasandros died Demetrios disappeared and ran off to Egypt. The oligarchy turned to a bit of anarchy and the people took down the statues of Kasandros and melted the bronze and metal ones down and some vindictive people turned the melted statues into chamber pots!
   Hymettus honey was supposed to be the best and in general most Attican honey was of a very good quality and the best honey was found near the silver mine on Mt Hymettus near Athens. The mines were quite big and there were quarries too. Maybe folks kept honey in those pots melted down from Kasandros.
  Eleusis was a bit further west of Athens on the Bay of Eleusis and became a populous city with a temple dedicated to Artemis. Megara was capital of Megaris. Nisaia is a port near Megara. Four descendants of Theseus - Aegis Pallas Lycos and Nisa divided four parts of Attica between themselves. Far east Attica was called Sounis and is a promontory. Lyceiam was named after Lycos. Boiotia bordered Attica to the north. The Boiotians invaded and they were called the Aonians. There was a city in between Boiotia and Attica and it was often disputed territory. Euboia was another promontory to the north east. Attica was supposedly founded by Kekrops.
   An islet called Helene was once called something else but Alexander shagged a woman called Helen and he renamed the island after her which is a romantic story. The islet Psyttalia was covered in pines hence the name of the island means pine island. (What have you done today? Having a rast and bought some pillows. Chilled really.) Herakleidai mentioned a lot. Obviously related Hercules.

Mykalus Kane on Agathocles of Syracuse

Alright, I'm Mykalus Kane and I was down the Fountain of Arethusa battlecruiser a few weeks ago and I bumped into a geezer I know called Timaeus who wrote quite a lot about Callisthenes and Demosthenes and some other notable people. On this occasion he was fuming about something he'd read in the Syracuse Bee. A pony newspaper if there ever was one. I much prefer the Neapolitan Gnat. Some people ain't that keen on Timaeus, saying he has a sort of uneducated style and favours a sensationalist approach to history. He reckons Homer was a greedy basket because he always mentions banquets in his epic poems! Some say Timaeus is a bit of a cop out for spending bullseye years in a library in Athens and never experienced the school of hard knocks. They say he writes with his ray mears and not his mince pies! Whatever. It doesn't bother me as I think he's a good bloke to have a few sherbert dips with.

I said "what's got your goat Timmo?"
Timaeus, slightly red-faced, sipped on a pot of wine and then spat at the offending newspaper. "That fucking journo Polybius - the berk who thought the source of a fountain in Sicily originates in fucking Greece! He's really licking the Aristotle of King Agathocles in his obituary. Everyone including fucking Will's mother knows Agathocles left a good apprenticeship potter's job to become a prostitute on the streets of Syracuse. From potter to tart!"
I said "was it true he was doing striptease for the mayor of Syracuse?"
Timaeus said "Yeah, all part of his big game plan, mate. He was hung like a donkey. The proverb goes 'is that a new column on the Temple of Athena? No it's Agathocles' haha. Contrary to what Polybius says, he used his big knob to work his way up through the bedrooms of Syracusan society until he eventually became King and master of all Sicily."
I said "Masturbator of Sicily more like"
Timaeus said "Fuck me, haha, but Polybius has him down as some sort of straight-laced figure who never so much as had a quick hand-shandy round the haystack."
I said "Yeah I heard he shuffled over the Daily Spartan a lot when he was a potter! Got caught by the foreman on a few occasions. Hahaha"
Timaeus wasn't gonna relent "some of the stories that emanated from the back street brothels of Syracuse would make old Botrys the pornographer frown with disgust. There was a rumour about an ostrich involved on one occasion"
I said "Hahaha was he mates with Roddus Hullius? Agathocles scared the shit out of the Carthaginians though. I'll give him that. The slag kicked the fuckers out of Sicily"
Timaeus corrected "His army did. Not him! He was back home in Syracuse riding the Assistant Keeper of the Temple of Athena's daughter. Slag ain't the word, Mykalus. He was a jackdaw and a buzzard!"
"Cor, fuck me, that's bad!" I said
Timaeus said "He would face in any direction on request."
I said "a jack of all trades"
Timaeus said "master of none except whoring. I don't know how his trouble n' strife put up with it all the time"
I said "Yeah as Queen she must've been in two woodbines. I mean, he'd brought her amazing luxuries and god knows how many cassettes but she knew what he was up to behind the scenes. She probably had her lovers to compensate. Who knows"
Timaeus spat again "She obviously fell for him in the beginning - as we all know, he possessed some remarkable natural advantages."
"Biggest wanger in the land, haha" I said.
Timaeus said "Polybius ignores all the dirt and concentrates on his regal side and all the pomp and ceremony and all the virtues he possessed that enabled him to become king. He was a sly bastard with a big cock mate! Simple as that. Anyway fuck him, Mykalus, me old mucker, did I tell you some bloke had invented a mechanical snail? A mechanical snail that actually leaves a fake slime trail."

Battle of Zama

After Trebbius, Trasimene and Cannae this was the big one. Hannibal had eighty elephants at the ready, foot-scraping and trumpeting for action. First of all Scipio captured Utica from Syphax in a strategic manoeuvre with the help of three Roman commanders, all called Lucian. The Romans also captured Tunis, a good harbour, advantageous for bringing in more troops and provisions. Hasdrubal knew the Romans had tricked the Carthaginians and were responsible for setting fire to the main Numidian camp at night. Some Numidians under Massimo had defected to the Roman side. This was starting to become a popular trend. The Romans had all the exits to the Numidian camp covered and killed those trying to escape, who were mostly naked as they hadn't time to get dressed and ran from the reed huts in blind panic. Many were burnt alive in the blaze. It was a scene of utter horror. In the aftermath, Rome negotiated a peace treaty with Carthage but shortly afterwards some Roman envoys were treacherously murdered at sea, so the peace was broken off and war resumed. The Romans later offered no concessions due to this. 2000 Celts assisted Hasdrubal at a place called Abba and although they fought bravely the Romans defeated them and killed most of them. The Carthaginians managed to capture a small fleet of roman ships off Tunis. This was reported by the historian, Livy. Roman soldiers were able to fight effectively as a single unit or as a team and could turn to face in any direction during the midst of battle. Very cohesive and formidable. Maniples in the van, then hastati and principes making up the bulk and triarii at the rear. The maniples swords were strong and the shields tall and long. Scipio decided to put together a special vanguard to counter and deflect the Carthaginian elephants. He had Numidian cavalry in his flanks and so did Hannibal but there was much rearranging of infantry in Scipio's wings. Hannibal had been recalled from his campaign in Italy to inspire the necessary confidence in his African units. Both sides knew they were now fighting for the rest of the world. There was much at stake. Zama was the most important battle of the century. This was the Punic D-Day. Fortune was a big player in both camps and both generals were aware of the fickleness of Fortune. The elephants attacked but panicked at the sounds of horns and bugles and the clashing of swords on shields. They stampeded in retreat, killing some Carthaginians. Some elephants were not deterred and stampeded the Romans as intended but they were driven off by a heavy javelin onslaught. The elephants ran off into the desert out of harms way. Then the main contingent of infantry went to battle and a fierce man to man battle ensued. Men were fighting amongst blood and gore and many discarded arms were strewn about the battlefield. Soldiers were slipping on entrails as they fought. The Romans lost 2000 and Hannibal lost 20,000 men. Afterwards, the Carthaginians were allowed to keep 10 ships as the only Roman concession. All elephants were confiscated. Many thousands of talents were paid to Rome in compensation and vast tracts of Africa were taken for the growing of corn. All of Numidia was returned to the king. Carthage was stripped of its colonies.

Hercules and the Pigsty

So as part of his twelve labours, Hercules had to clean out an Arcadian pigsty. Instead of using buckets of water and mops he decided to go one better. He supposedly  redirected the rivers Pinious and Alphius through the farm and washed out all the muck. An incredible feat of engineering for one man as those two rivers, according to a map of the area, are never any closer than  30 miles apart. Assuming the pigsty was equidistant he channeled the rivers 15 miles. Not an impossibility for a man like Hercules who was obviously bordering on god-like. When he died he was conferred as a god to Mount Olympus with the rest of the capricious gang.
   Now let's think about this labour. Imagine you had to clean out a barn in Baldock. It would be like using the rivers Lea at Ware and the Ouse at Bedford. You can imagine how difficult that task would be in the 21st century let alone 3000 years ago. They had no sophisticated canal-digging machinery back then. Unless of course some of the ancient Greeks possessed equipment unknown to us that's been long lost. Maybe redirecting rivers was the norm and it was as easy as stroking a horse's nose. It was such a common thing that it only just got a mention as one of the twelve labours of Hercules. He probably said "blimey Zeus that's a tough one. What do you want me to do next? Turn the kitchen light off?"
    There's a possibility that Hercules was thinking about using normal hog washing methods when suddenly a freak tornado caused the two rivers to divert temporarily through that pigsty and he capitalised on the moment. He was an opportunist! Who knows the real truth. They must have been filthy dirty pigs to warrant the diversion of two rivers. Hercules may have employed a bunch of blokes to dig two channels from each river and then claimed sole responsibility after they'd done the job. That's feasible. It does state in the myth that Hercules did it on his Jack Jones, though. No assistance whatsoever. Not even a spaniel! Not even a couple of dung beetles. I wonder if he dug the channels in a sort of Tasmanian Devil style? I wonder what he had on his tea break - that's if he bothered having a tea break halfway through a five minute job. Anyway,  tea hadn't been imported from China yet! Then again, with his powers he probably could've conjured up some Typhoo. He probably drank it on the job. Saying that it's bloody hard to drink tea while spinning round like a Tasmanian Devil!
    Those pigs must've loved that sudden flood. I imagine your average pig ain't too chuffed with being inundated by river water. They were probably quite surprised by the whole affair, if you can imagine a load of pigs with surprised looks on their faces. I remember seeing the pig from Pipkins looking surprised - maybe a bit like that! "Ere I was fucking eating! Why don't you use a mop?" No Brummy accent, though.
    I imagine anyone fishing at the time would've been annoyed too. All of a sudden all the water vanishes. That don't happen every day. And then after a five minutes, the water's back! That must've confused a few perch! I reckon a fisherman on the River Alphius would've performed a little double-take when that happened. He would've been in the pub a bit later, chatting to his mate who was fishing on the other river, the Pinious, and his mate says "yeah exactly the same thing happened to me. Water disappeared for five minutes." The barman shaking his head thinking everyone's going bonkers round here today. "You want tea? Sorry mate we ain't discovered China yet! We got some good Attic wine in the basement. Seems like everyone's been on the hard stuff already, what with all this guff of some mortal diverting two rivers to clean out a barn" A charwoman starts wiping down some tables and the barman says "No Larissa, not that way. Divert two rivers. I want it done properly."

Aristaenus and Philopoeman

Aristaenus had the brains and financial acumen whereas Philopoeman had brains and brute strength - a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger but cleverer. Both these guys made sure the Greeks got a decent deal once the Romans had disposed of the tyrannical King Philip of Macedon. Philip had pretty much kept the Greeks in fetters and wasn't a particularly rosy king. The Roman Flamininus, accompanied by Greek delegates, organised a liaison with King Philip and read out the conditions listed in a declaration of peace. Philip, who wouldn't come ashore, insisted on staying on his beaked ship anchored just off the Greek coast. He listened to what Flamininus had to say and agreed to surrender certain regions of Greece, mainly colonies he had no interest in, but he contested other regions mentioned by Flamininus, especially on whether they constituted parts of Greece or not. Akarnania seemed to be a bone of contention and several other places were disputed. Incidentally, Philip reckoned he had solid reasons for his habit of burning many innocent Greek cities and fields, saying it was to stop the Thracian enemy moving in, but the Romans didn't buy it. The Senate in Rome were fed up to the eye teeth with the bloke and simply didn't trust him. Philip possessed a sarcastic, quick-witted temperament, which did him no favours. He even took the mickey out of a blind delegate! The Roman Senate inevitably voted to continue the war with Macedon. In battle, the Roman phalanx technique was far superior to Macedonian tactics and the Romans were victorious. Once the Greeks were liberated from Philip's aggressive wave of tyranny, they were invited to attend an influential speech by Flamininus. The Greeks rejoiced over their new freedom and they envisaged a good future under Rome. They almost trampled Flamininus to death in the excitement - many citizens tried to hug and kiss him. Once it had all settled down and everyone had sobered up, Aristaenus and Philopoeman decided that they wouldn't allow the Romans to walk over the Greeks and they stood up for their rights.
   Meanwhile, Antiochus III of Syria was dead. As was Seleucus. The boy king Antiochus, was crowned under the guidance of Lysias and this suited the Roman Senate. Demetrius thought he had rights to the kingship. The Roman envoy Octavius, was murdered in Syria and Demetrius was suspected and detained in Rome, although he said that he had had fuck all to do with it. He appealed to the Senate, despite Polybius telling him to be wary, stating he was far more suited to be the king of Syria than the boy. The Senate was happy with the current situation and Demetrius was a bit hacked off so he decided to put a secret plan together.  Demetrius escaped from Rome at night with the help of Polybius and Appollonius. They tricked the captain of a fruit ship bound for Tyre into thinking they were soldiers on a dispatch to join King Ptolemy's army. Demetrius reached Syria and promptly murdered Lysias and the boy king. The people of Syria welcomed Demetrius as their new king. He always suspected they would, as there would be less Roman interference. The Romans, despite finding out what had happened, five days after the escape, thought it was too late to do anything about it, so they later sent envoys to monitor Syrian affairs. Syria covered most of Palestine until it was divided up by Rome and the northern part became Coele Syria. In Mesopotamia, the capital was Ctesiphon, just north of Babylon. Going completely off the subject, a Roman was willing to pay 300 drachmae for a jar of Pontic pickled fish! Far more expensive than a plough.

London Stomp July 2016

  Met on the Tat in changeable weather at 1pm. The tide was low and the old ex-Humber ferry rocked and almost broke loose from the moorings in the wake of passing craft. We sat out on the front deck as it was quite sunny. I bought two pints of Pedigree before my mate arrived. "That's service" he said. I said "that'll be a tenner" It wasn't too busy for a Monday lunchtime. My mate checked out a few special offers at potential restaurants for an evening meal. There are some good offers available online thesedays. My mate said he'd driven from his girlfriend's to Ware and grabbed the train.
    Grabbed the underground from Embankment to Blackfriars. The intention was to find The Harrow on Whitefriars Street just off Fleet Street. We eventually found it, a Fullers pub, so three guesses what we drank! We climbed the steep rickety apples and pears and found a seat up in the Georgian dining area, complete with plasma tv, overlooking a picturesque building under construction. No idea who the three gentlemen were in the picture above the opposite table. My mate noticed all the chairs were mixed up a bit, maybe to accommodate the freemasons and 'under the leg hand-shakers'. I did read there was a press party organized for the evening. I expected Nelson to pop in, but it was a long shot. Didn't even get an half Nelson. Steve Arwood wasn't in, either. I suppose it was easy enough to locate, what with it being a short walk from Blackfriars station. Spotted the Black Friar pub with its large statue of a black friar above the entrance, before the haphazard task of crossing the approach road to Blackfriars bridge. After some momentary real-life Frogger, we headed into the back streets. Lots of old alleys. One of them, Carmelite Street had its name carved into the concrete of a corner office building.
   After the Harrow, we had a stomp across the bridge, after admiring the south London skyline from the embankment and watching a catamaran pleasure cruiser turn away from the jetty. Saw some interesting new glass towers being erected, amongst the brutal concrete edifices of the sixties and seventies. My mate mentioned one of his mates was a window cleaner on office towers and worked the special crane on top of the building. You need a good head for heights for that job. George Formby never went up office blocks. The shard was standing high above the skyline. We ducked for shelter on the south bank as the rain became steady and heavy. We dad a good discussion about kings, spurred on by the pub opposite, called The Ring,  which was clearly a remnant of Victoriana with its old London brick walls and arched windows. Moved on to Georges and King Edwards. People walking by must have thought we were talking about 'taters! Noticed a top heavy glass tower opposite, shaped like a 'T' from the side. One way of creating space. When the rain eased up, we carried on down The Cut which leads on to Lower Marsh market, lined with interesting shops including one dealing with model railway and war books. Allen something, it was called. Spotted a Thai restaurant with a set of wall-mounted bird houses in the shape of an arrow. Passed a fair few pubs too. The Walrus on the corner looked gloomy as we approached the tunnel beneath Waterloo railway bridge.
    We walked past the back of the town hall and stood admiring the London Eye for a bit. I thought a mattress inside the cars would work. My mate said they've got one in Tokyo called the Jap's Eye. That reminds me of that time I was with a girl in London and I said "do you fancy going up the eye?" She said "don't be disgusting!" We decided that most stomps could be divided into three 'three-hourly' sections. Meet up and lunch. Afternoon. Evening. Makes perfect sense. Then some bloke on a bike cut us up. It's a fucking footpath mate!
    We crossed Westminster Bridge after discussing the houses of Parliament and Elizabeth Tower with its Big Ben bell and reminiscing about Newquay wet T- shirt contests. We partially agreed on going back to Newquay when we're 90 years old! Regarding the Houses of Parliament, you hardly see any of the other rooms on TV and it's a vast palace. I had a sudden urge to see the statue of Lord Montagu who was the lesser known commander at the Battle of the Glorious First of June. Admiral Howe got the medal for that one and ignored Montagu, who fought many decisive skirmishes. (We beat the French, incidentally.) Anyway, we queued up to go in Westminster Abbey to see the bloke, but it was only open for church services, so we didn't venture in. I said "I only wanna see Lord Montagu." The girl said "sorry we closed for public viewing at 3.30." Oh well. We contemplated swapping coats and rejoining the queue and saying we're interested in taking part in the church service but decided to move on. It was not to be. The weather was starting to improve as the day wore on.
   We wandered up Victoria Street. Quite a bland New York style thoroughfare with a few pretty pubs. One of those pubs is located on Strutton Ground, home of the Rastafarian angry man who wanted paying one time when the market was in full swing. No market today. We had a pint of London Glory which was good and sat by the front window beneath a picture of old celebs taken in the sixties. Eamon Andrews seemed to be the most prominent in the crowd. Harry Secombe was in there too, being one of the Goons. Spike Milligan had his own portrait. This was the pub where the Goons supposedly met up to discuss and write their sketches. As far as I know they weren't Arsenal fans. I told Mark about Danny Dyer's risqué memoirs and my own experience at Chingford Cricket Club in the late 80s. Both stories involved some pretty sordid sexual details. Talked about Vince the precision metal worker and the youngest Wilkinson sibling. My mate told me about some bloke nicking Tony Leg's haunch of beef and cracking a dartboard in half when he punched it in anger. he soon got his beef back. You don't wanna be having a beef with him! Good chinwag. Nice boozer.
   Went to Victoria station, now busy with commuters. Grabbed the oxo cube to Gunnersbury, which wasn't planned but formed a better prospect as it was closer to Strand on the Green - the next destination. There is actually a pub in Gunnersbury called The Gunnersbury, which isn't very imaginative but it looks alright. We gave it a miss on this occasion. The hotel-affixed Globe bar looked a bit Peroni! After some back street wanders, halfway over a railway bridge in Chiswick, my mate said "I was expecting a leisurely drink in London with a mate. My knee aches." Eventually we stumbled into The Bell and Crown. Ordered two pints of London Pride and grabbed a seat by the Thames. It's a much quieter tree-lined river at this point, almost in Brentford. Constable preferred to paint this part of London and you can see why. There were several currents flowing as we noticed a stick moving faster than another stick. A fair few white swans too. Marveled at some of the low flying planes approaching Heathrow.
   Then came an epic stomp. Around the Thames Path from Chiswick to Hammersmith; deceptively further than I anticipated. We passed the almost hidden Chiswick Marina in wealthy West London suburbia. (A place for rich people's boats - not an old Morris!) On route we inspected an old barrier. Concrete and shingle posts that had been gnawed at by years of extreme weathering. Twisted wrought iron railings possibly connected inside the posts. On further analysis this did indeed look the case. We estimated the fence was about 100 years old. It was mostly covered in ivy and brambles which reminded me of the story my mate mentioned about fixing his girlfriend's patio and buying some bricks that were surplus to requirements. We walked for what seemed an eternity. At one point I wondered if eternity was an actual place and wished it would hurry up and materialize. There was no glimpse of London at all in this quasi-rural zone. At one point I said "we could be in Puckeridge!" We passed the half-derelict Budweiser factory in Barnes on the other side of the river. At one point we ended up on a boatyard. Maybe we should have nicked that dinghy at Strand on the Green! My plates of meat were aching a bit now and I had no urge to go and play Badminton at the expansive and expensive Chiswick Health and Racquet Club. An elderly blonde driving her purple Merc Kompressor could haveve given us a bloody lift. We walked up and down some more tree-lined paths, some of which doubled back on one another, making the stomp a great deal longer. We wandered under a dark little tunnel. Then we were back in an open park area with rotting logs lining the path. I saw something. "Is that a tent?" It turned out to be a low covered trailer. I really thought it was a small blue tent. Not that I was considering bedding down for the night, but if there's no sign of civilisation we might have had to. It wasn't a tent anyway, definitely a trailer. Was this Vietnam? Are we starting to hallucinate?  Then we were back on the riverside in suburbia and passed an old deserted bandstand. At last we spotted a Thames island or 'eyot' and beyond that, according to my web browser - the possibility of a hard earned beer in the Black Lion. Well done Timberland and well done Converse!
   Popped in the Black Lion and bought some beers and sat outside, cream crackered. Any seat will suffice at this point. Not fussed. It was getting on for half nine now. That ball and chalk was over an hour or so.  What were those big posts in the middle of the Thames? My mate mentioned his old man had a couple of French bulldogs. The beer was revitalising me and I think my mate's Red Bull had done the trick. Time to think about wrapping up the stomp as 10pm was approaching.
At the Black Lion we had some tattoo chat. I said I once worked with an artist of Vietnamese descent who lives in Cardiff and who recently set up a tattoo studio. Talented girl. We debated on getting some scran either near Stamford Brook station or maybe even getting off at Earls Court. We constantly checked rail times. There wasn't much in the way of kebab outlets on Goldhawk Road so we jumped on the underground. At Earls Court it was time to make one of those snap decisions and since it was well past ten, it didn't give us much time for food, so we decided to call it a night. I changed for Paddington at Earls Court and my mate stayed on the train to Liverpool Street. Good stomp that! I saw there was an Oxford bound train waiting so I grabbed a bacon and egg sandwich from Whistle Stop and boarded. The fast train. Very useful. Got back to Oxford at midnight. Just in time for the end of the Shipping Forecast!
  

Mykalus Kane in Elis and Olympia

My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm bloody nosy bloke at times! I'm curious about Hollow Elis so I grabbed a chariot, got a boat from Ionia and went for a butchers. After landing at Kyllene, I went to the city of Elis, which wasn't here when Homer was writing his epics. He included Pylos in his books, which has a few good boozers. I spoke to a bloke in a pub called The Grapes which had a big bunch of red grapes hanging up outside that reminded me of a bad case of haemorroids. This bloke, Stesichorus by name, was covered in feathers and he fell about laughing when I asked him if Pylos was the home of Nestor who was instrumental at the siege of Troy and was a sort of Greek King Arthur. I wondered why he found the question so funny but the barman told me he was trying to smuggle birds into Elis from Aetolia and he had quite a nest of young pheasants in his pants. Fuck me smuggling birds in his Brian Cants. Takes all sorts. The barman said it was the Pylos where Nestor lived and it was known as Sandy Pylos. I don't like the sound of that as my old Nobby Styles are playing up. Well, Homer called it Sandy Pylos as it wasn't far to the beach or the sandy river bank. He said there's always been a dispute about which Pylos was the actual Sandy Pylos as there are three cities of the same name dotted down the west coast of the Peloponnesos. A proverb goes "Pylos before Pylos and then another Pylos". Anyway enough of this debate as my bloody Nobbies are killing. So turn it in!
   I headed south through Bouprasion and onward to the caves near the Anigros river which flows like a lethargic tortoise stuck in molasses. It leads into a lake which is muddy and stinks. They reckon you can get a niff of it five miles away. I noticed there was some fish in the lake and I was getting a bit Hank Marvin so I got my net out the back of the chariot and caught a few of the big ones. 'Kin Ada, they tasted like shit. Rough as a Kilikian beer mat, mate. Then I noticed a sign saying "don't eat the fish cos they're inedible." You're telling me! I discovered the waters of the lake were polluted long ago supposedly because a bunch of centaurs had got bitten by a big fucking hydra and they bathed their wounds in here to wash away the poison. They also say the water cures leprosy and some other diseases. They say fish is good for the Clare Danes but not these fuckers. As for the caves there are two and one of them was home to a group of Nymphs and the other one was where Dardanos was born. The hospital in 'lovely Arene' must've been chocker that day.
   Went to a pub in the middle of nowhere and met the writer Aeschylus who said "Athena or some goddess had Cyprus and Paphos as her allotment." That's a big allotment. Plenty of room for some rhubarb! We had a few pigs ears and swatted a few wasps. They love beer those bright yellow bastards. He told me about the Elian v Pylian war. "Nestor attacked Elis and nicked hundreds of cattle, sheep, goats and five hundred horses with foals. Itymoneus was killed, which was a bit of a blow as he owed my old man some gold. The stealing and fighting was all done in the day and they took the animals back into Pylos at night. The Epians got involved early as they hated Nestor's dad Neleus, supposedly because he was a reclusive old cunt! Three days after that battle, while the Pylians were sharing out the animals, the Epians planned an attack on Thryon. The Pylians sent assistance and routed the Epians, not stopping the killing until they'd chased them back into Bouprasion. King Augeas sacked his chauffeur because he was tipping off Nestor."
   Found a nice beach further down near Lepreon. Some Pylians were having a bull roast. Not just one bull but quite a few. Lovely aroma of beef kicking up. I wandered down the steps to join in the merriment and a bloke called Telemachus said "all these bulls are being sacrificed to Zeus the Earthshaker." I said "Cor he's a hungry bastard ain't he? He's done well for a lad born of a knee-trembler in a cave! His mum will be proud." A Kaukonian bloke came over and smacked me round the face with some seaweed. I said "that ain't part of the ritual you Kaukon cunt" so I decked him. I had a few shots of sambuca with my boat race stinging from bladder wrack.
   I crossed the Alpheius river which they say is good for leprosy. I crossed at a place called Thyron which Homer calls Thyroessa. Nowadays they call it Epitalion but I prefer the old name.
Thyron is the ancient Greek word for reed. Most river crossings are where many reeds grow. They use some of the reeds to make flutes. I went in a pub at Thyron called The Flute and I had a pint of Leper's Tongue. I don't know why they always say certain places are good for leprosy. Once your leg has fallen off it ain't gonna grow back by bathing in a lake. They probably mean the early stages of the disease. Makes me shudder thinking about it. Let's change the fucking subject.
   It's not far to Olympia where they started the games. They reckon it was Hercules who started it and he kept winning so they let a few more locals compete and an Elian bloke won it. The winner used to get a golden crown back in Hercules's day but once the common folk started winning they changed it to a tripod. Typical! A year later they couldn't afford a tripod so the winner got a fucking bunsen burner. All that running about naked in the Greek mountains must have been a sight for the ladies of Olympia. I think one year during the relay one runner had forgotten his glasses and grabbed his team mate's cock by mistake. Hope he didn't have a flake on! No tripod for that team. Homer says Augeas robbed four prize-winning horses. I'm assuming he means that the horses were pulling a chariot and the jockey won the prize and not that four horses won separate prizes.
   The Aetolians under general Oxylos had a skirmish with the Epeians who both wanted control of Hollow Elis and it came down to a fight between their two handiest men. A bit like David and Goliath. Anyway Pyraichmes was the Aetolian slingshot champion and he killed Degmenos who was a master archer. The Aetolians had only just invented the slingshot and were chuffed with the result. They were victorious. They say Oxylos only had one eye. Before this battle King Temenos of Aetolia was told by an oracle to look out for a three eyed man as he will be the key to winning the Battle for Elis. Well Temenos saw Oxylos riding a horse and he thought the combined eyes of the horse and rider make three so he asked Oxylos to become his general. Oxylos winked his eye and agreed and employed his mate Pyraichmes. Cushti.
  I doubled back across country in order to get the old chuck berry from the port of Kyllene. On the way I had a butchers at the city of Ephyra on the Sellis river. It was supposed to be where Odysseus bought some toxic drugs to coat his arrow heads, when he was fighting with Nestor against King Augeas. I went in a pub called the Poison Arrow. (They were playing ABC on the juke.) I met a bloke called Meges who was drowning his sorrows because some tea leaf had half inched his best corset. I offered my condolences and bought him a sambuca. He cheered up a bit when suddenly Shaw Taylor's face appeared on the pub TV on Greek Police Five and said they saw a man stealing a corset in Ephyra. A photo fit of the suspect was shown and Meges hammered his fist on the table and said "I know that bloke. Bloody Phyleus! I know where he lives, I'm gonna open the fucker up." Meges downed his drink and dashed off. As he left, the goddess Athena popped in. Well, she'd transformed herself into a bloke called Mentor which was what she often did to disguise herself. She said to the Kaukonian barman "I want my debts paying mate." The barman shrugged and showed Mentor an empty till. "OK I'll be back same time next week!" I thought to myself she ain't got a very convincing male voice at all. Sounds like Joe Pasquale.
    Stesichorus the writer, not the bird smuggler, was drinking in a pub in Arene. He was going on about a beautiful girl called Rhadine who recently sailed to Corinth as she was betrothed to King Kipselos the tyrant of Corinth. ( He dedicated a massive gold statue of Zeus to the Olympic sanctuary.) Well, this Rhadine had a cousin who wanted to get in her pants and he sailed to Corinth to see her. King Kipper, wearing a Kipper tie, was fucking livid when he caught them both at it, so he wacked them both and sent their bodies far away in a chariot. Then he cried his mincers out afterwards and called the chariot back and had them buried in Corinth. Fuck me, I was almost in tears myself and I don't even know the girl from Adam. I bought him a pint of Acropolis Gold.
   I arrived back in Kyllene in time for the last boat back to Corinth and from there I'll ride cross country to the port of Nisa or maybe Argos as I can get a ship back across to Miletus easy enough. Kyllene is alright and it's got a bloody nice statue of Asklepius. Ivory they say. I grabbed a beer in a pub down by the harbour and saw there was a copy of 'The Catalogue of Ships' so I had a butchers while I drank my pint. It's a bit like a Doomsday Book and it tells you how many estates old Nestor owns and how many pigs he's got. Nothing about ships at all which I thought was a bit disappointing so I grabbed a copy of the Daily Sport and there was a nice picture of Aphrodite on a double page spread. I said to the old barman "Where's your kermit? I need a dump." The barman who was called Oxylos, only had one eye and he winked.