Hannibal on the Run

Carthage are losing momentum: Hannibal trapped in Bruttium.
   Marcellus had a successful campaign in Sicily and captured Syracuse from Epicydes and then Agrigentum. Sicily resumed its place as grain producer for the Roman army. Many Sicilian pirates were relocated to Bruttium and Rhegium to assist the Roman naval effort. Muttines was often trying to reap the rewards for other people's hard work.
   Scipio and Laelius captured New Carthage after a bloody battle at the outer walls. Several Roman attempts. After a tip-off from local fishermen, 500 Romans waded across the harbour at low tide and simply walked into the city. No-one was defending the walls. A surprise tactic. The Carthaginians tried to play down losing New Carthage, but they knew it was a huge blow losing a good strategic port and treasury. Many merchant ships and 'scorpion' weapons were captured. After securing Spain, a Celtiberian chief's beautiful daughter was in love with a Roman centurion who fought exceptionally well. He wanted to marry her, so his wish was granted by Scipio. The gratified girl's parents insisted on sending gold to Scipio, he reluctantly accepted the gift and decided to pass on the gold to the lucky centurian as a wedding present. A beautiful wife and gold - he didn't do too bad! Many Carthagininan captives were sent to Rome together with Numidian and Spanish prisoners. Mago and the two Hasdrubals were still at large and more legions were being sent to Spain to deal with the situation.
   Manlius did consistently well in fending off attacks in Sardinia. Historians seemed to neglect Sardinia a bit so Manlius was obviously doing a decent job out there, keeping the Carthaginians at bay.
   Fulvius took the Greek colony of Tarentum. Marcellus took Apulia. His first battle in Apulia against Hannibal was an embarrassing rout, where the troops gave up early and ran away from the enemy like chickens. Marcellus was furious and reprimanded his soldiers severely. At the rematch Marcellus rekindled their courage and the Romans beat the Carthaginians hands down, even turning Hannibal's elephants against him - they panicked and trampled the enemy as they were prone to do so on occasion. Marcellus fought in the van - leading by example. Carthalo surrendered but a Roman soldier failed to recognize the bloke and he was brought down with a spear. Democrates was a player.
   Capua was now well and truly back in Roman hands. Capua had lost most of its privileges because of a pronounced allegiance with Carthage. Treacherous Senators of Capua had committed suicide by drinking poison, which had actually taken a few days to kill them as they had drunk alcohol which slowed down the effects. Such was the Campanian anti-Roman stance. Hannibal was trying all his tricks and traps but the Roman leaders were growing ever wiser to his dirty surprise tactics.
   The Romans also took careful notice of particular omens that by coincidence often served them well. If someone reported seeing a talking ox, it was to be believed very seriously. Several rivers flowed with blood ( maybe down to a reflection of the sunset or maybe red soil discharged or even an injured animal ) and it rained stones ( hailstones probably). Statues moved and vultures landed on sacred places. A pig was born with a man's head and a kid was born with an elephant's head. (Elephaniasis?) Another child was born a hermaphrodite and another was born the size of the four year old. The baby was put in a box, and still alive, was thrown over the cliffs into the sea - to appease the gods and rid the Romans of a bad omen. Some omens were laughable by today's standards but in those days nothing was ignored. They generally believed lightning was caused by the gods. There were special 'strewing' couches to sit on to pray to the gods in these circumstances. Sometimes there was still time to conduct the Plebeian Games and posher Roman Games which always drew a crowd and was a good source of revenue. New taxes were imposed on recaptured provinces to assist the Roman effort. Some city leaders said they had no men or money left and this lead them into trouble with the government.
   Sometimes annual elections for the Roman Senate took place during the midst of important campaigns, such as when Marcellus had Hannibal on the run. It was a tricky decision having to recall consuls and commanders from the heat of battle. A dictator was often elected instead. Laevinus was also a Roman commander of note. Turditanus and Crassus too. Decimius was successful. Maximus was appointed a dictator. Hannibal often burnt the surrounding countryside in spite, if he was unable to capture a city. Romans started raids on Africa.
   Hannibal was still using tricks to fool the Romans, he hid in a woodland on a hill and ambushed them when Marcellus and Crispinus went to investigate with a cavalry. Marcellus was killed by a spear during this reconnoitre. Hannibal later stole Marcellus's signet ring, after he'd conducted a burial, he used it to send false letters to the Romans. The Romans sent heralds to other contingents to warn them not to be deceived by letters from Marcellus, as he'd been killed in Bruttium. Crispinus also died later from very severe wounds.

Crete and Thera

Knossos was the capital but other important towns were Lyktos and Gortyna. The Eastern side is Eteocretan. The Diktaein zeus is located here. Thera is in the Cyclades, a smattering of islands in the Aegean Sea. King Minos ruled at Knossos, supposedly fairly, but others say he was a tyrant and exacted tributes from everyone and could be cruel and ruthless. The two opposing powers of the island were often at war but sometimes they formed an alliance and there was less upheaval. Lots of Cretans migrated to other parts of Hellas and elsewhere in the Mediterranean and vice versa. The main port for Knossos was Herakleion. In earlier times it was Amisos. They say Crete was settled by Lacedaimonians, Dorians from Doris, Thessalians, and the migratory Pelasgians and is sometimes considered part of the Peloponnesos - but it's not. The Samonian Cape is east facing Egypt and the White mountains are in the west.
    Gifts were very often given to abducted lovers as was the custom, usually including a military uniform, a drinking cup and an ox which was sacrificed to Zeus and later consumed at a party attended by friends of the lovers. The friends of the lovers followed and made sure the lovers were compatible with each other. Other rich gifts were given, maybe a set of golf clubs, possibly York Fruits, well they would've been if they'd been invented! It was quite a long courtship lasting for two months including various entertainments and hunting expeditions. At any point the relationship could be averted and could be terminated - only by the Andreion who had a 'paidonomos' to supervise him. An expensive business was a paidonomos. If you were good looking and well bred it was said to be disgraceful not to have a lover. Looks were secondary to manliness and decorum. Money in Crete was provided by the State to balance out any equality and nobody starved in the mess halls which were ran for the 'herds' of young lads undergoing military training.
   Ancient Hellenes sometimes believed the sun went beneath the sea. The sun always sets in the west and the Phoenician word for sunset is 'europa', and this became the name of the continent in the west, after the goddess.
 Ephoros mentions crete in his tales. Kallimachus does too, as he was a fan of Crete, and who can blame him, with its decent climate and good wine. Mithridates IV was involved with Crete and he was King over in Anatolia. The Romans had a few run-ins with the bloke.
   Mallia is now a clubby resort that plays house and trance music and after midnight the streets are awash with vomit, and it's not far from Amnisos. A world of hedonism in summer: a long way from ancient Knossos or maybe it did have elements of that. From some accounts King Minos was no goody goody and could be a nasty bit of work. Phaistos is a port on the south coast facing the Libyan sea. Theothrastus comments about Greek lads in love in his book 'in love'. Delos became under Athenian rule during Strabo's time. They say Delos was an island that floated around the Aegean sea and a goddess once landed there and she wanted a solid platform to give birth so she erected four vast columns to anchor the island in place and Delos has retained it's strategic position ever since, particularly as a naval station and once the centre of the Delian League which eventually evolved into the Athenian League under Kimon, and then Pericles.
   Leukokomas of Leben once said to his lover Euxynthetos "go to Praisos and bring back my dog!" Cheek of it. When he got to Praises he may have seen the sanctuary of Diktaian Zeus from where Minos asked many questions every ninth year. I doubt Euxynthetos would've seen the woman Britomartis who escaped from the supposedly violent and tyrannical king Minos although some say he was a just man and civilised Cretans society with laws etc. Anyway Britomartis ran away regardless of whether he was good or bad and she jumped into a fisherman's net and she was called Diktyanna after having done so as the Greek word for net is Diktya. There is a Mount Dikte nearby. Well Euxynthetos obviously brought back his lover's dog and all was good. Now that's love for you. Maybe Euxynthetos said to Leukokomas "ok I got your dog now you go get mine, it's in China ha ha". Mt Dikte was said to be near Mt Ida but this is nonsnese as it is nowhere near it. Aratos doesn't alway get his brass tacks correct.

Hippocrates and Epicydes

Sicily was predominantly anti Roman and pro Carthaginian but they mainly wanted to be an independent state, similar to when King Hiero ruled, but now things had changed and they were tired of the Romans. The Roman assault of the harbour walls of Syracuse under Marcellus had been thwarted by the ingenuity of Archimedes. He invented many devices along the walls that helped repel the Roman attack, including grappling chains that lifted triremes and quinqueremes out of the water and dropped them upright, smashing the ships and crew against the rocks. Arrows and catapults were fired through small slots in the wall. The Romans too, had their ingenious weapon designs, which incuded a type of javelin that couldn't be thrown back by the enemy. The wall of Syracuse extended around the city to the plain where Roman foot soldiers tried an assault from another angle. Hippocrates and Epicydes had been instrumental in regaining Syracuse. The people of the city certainly supported them. The boy king Hieronymous had been murdered at Leontini and subsequently other members of the royal family were tracked down and killed. Adranodorus and his colleague was killed in Syracuse. Adranodorus was a Roman married to a daughter of Hiero called Damarata. Another princess was tracked down in Egypt, living in the court of King Ptolemy and married to a bloke in Alexandria called Zoippus. She asked to be relocated to Alexandria, as she felt herself to be a neutral party, concerning the war. Nevertheless she was killed by Carthaginian perpetrators. Her two daughters tried to flee the house, but they eventually died of multiple stab wounds. A nasty situation happened at Henna. A Roman commander Panilius surrounded the rebellious citizens of the town who were vehemently pro-Hannibal. They wanted the Romans out of Henna. Panilius waited for the right moment when the unarmed mob began to resort to violence during a speech. Panilius gave a sign ( pulling on his toga ) and soldiers armed with swords, rushed from the rear of the forum and slaughtered the rebels. Roman soldiers hunted the streets and killed people indiscriminately. It was a terrible massacre, enough to put a lump in anyone's throat, but Marcellus didn't complain when he heard about it. Megara was involved; another Greek colony. Himilco came across with reinforcements and more elephants from Africa. Sicily was a vital grain station for both camps. Achradina was a part of Syracuse.

Thessaly Revisited

Demetrias Poliorketes founded the Magnesian port of Demetrios, later subject to Philoctetes, situated on the north coast of the Pagasitic Gulf, near a temple of Demeter. The gulf was named after the old port of Pagasai or Pagai ( named after springs - pegai ) and was the place where Peleus ordered Jason to set sail in the Argo. Nearby Iolkos was razed by seditions and tyrannies, eventually swallowed up by Demetrios. Demetrios was a naval station used by many Macedonian kings in times past. ( Naupegia - ship building )
Thessaly, famed for beautiful women, had four parts: Thessalotis, Hestiotis, Pelasgiotis and Phthiotis. Phthiotis was subject to Achilles and his mate Patroclus, who fell at Troy. Other leaders were; Polypoites, Protesilaos, Eumelos, Medon,  Philoctetes, Eurypylus and Phoinix. Phoinix was a Dolopian. It is contested as to whether he was an advisor to Achilles in the Trojan war as he wouldn't have gone to war without his subjects. Ancient kings were Deucalion and the son of Heracles, Thessalos. Achilles once let his hair down to impress the River Sperchious, that emerges into the Maliac Gulf between Lamia and Thermopylai. Halos is nearby. Once central Thessaly, being flat and below sea level, was a big lake surrounded by mountains. An earthquake fractured the region between Ossa and Olympos and the lake flowed out to sea via the Pinious river near Tempe, thus draining the land. Lake Nessonis and Lake Boibis are the only remnants. Boibis is where an important local maiden once bathed her foot. Lake Nessonis is now dry farmland. It once had an embankment built by Perrhaibians to stop flooding. Philip II of Macedonia invaded the area, as he was prone to do at times. At the Lamian war, Antipatros lead the Macedonians against the Athenians under Leosthenes. The Romans beat the Macedonians later at Kynoscephalai. At Metropolis (Doris was one ) Kallimachus says that one of the Aphrodites preferred swine as a sacrifice. Pork sarnies all round!Skyros, where Achilles had a fling with Lycomedes, became one of Philip's conquests. It was an island renowned for goats and much exported variegated white stone, used in Rome to such excess, it was very common and thus became worthless, despite the stone's excellence. Pelasgian Larisa was a very popular city and indeed a popular name, what with there being at least a dozen Larisas across the Hellenistic lands. Pelasgian Argos is long gone. Phthiotic Thebes is gone. They say all of Phthiotis was once Achaian. Ithome became Thamai. Deucalion once ruled Thessaly and he named it Pyrrhia in honour of his wife, Pyrrha. The north was called Pandora after his mother and the south was called Haimonia. Deucalion had a son called Hellen and he gave his name to Hellas - the old name for Greece proper. Homer always thought of Hellas and Phtia as one. Antron is a port on the Maliac Gulf and gives its name to a reef called the arse of Antron. It is subject to Protesilaos. Xerxes' invasion by sea was foiled on the coast of Magnesia at Cape Sepias, when his ships were smashed up on rocks and beaches by typhoons. They say the Talarians once lived on Mt Pindos and took in some refugee Centaurs who were chased away from Hestiotis by Perrhaibians, but there's no trace of the Talarians today. Maybe the Centaurs killed them. Hesiod was a fan of the white peaks of Titanos and the Dotian lake and the Didymian Hills. River Titarios is said to be very oily. The magic helmet of Meges was burgled from a house in Eleon, near Mt Pindos, by Autolykos the tea leaf and it ended up being passed down to Odysseus. It rendered the wearer invisible, so Odysseus used it on a stealth mission and infiltrated the Trojan nightwatch during the build up to the siege of Troy. It's all true! Amphrysos river. Mopsos was here. Olizon is a port situated in Magnesia on the the southernmost cape. Mount Pelion dominates the skyline around the Pagasitic Gulf. Parocholeitai. Skotoussa is on the Pinious river. Pharkadon was another city, as was Pharsalos. Rhizous. There was also Aithikians Athamanians Elimotians and other tribes.

Mycenae and Tiryns

The Mycenians ate buns as there was a granary close to the Lion Gate. They exported and imported goods via the sally port. A cyclops built the city wall of Tiryns for Protos who may have worn a gold crown. Someone did, because Heinrich Schliemann the archaeologist found a gold crown in the Caves of Shaft. Cyclops' must've been good brickies. The residents of the palaces of Mycenae had decent plumbing and bathrooms. They migrated from Crete to the eastern Peloponnesos - although it wasn't called that in the bronze age. To the Mycenians it was uncharted land, long before Pelops invaded from the north and long before Spartan predominance. There were some indigenous tribes that probably had to be subdued or moved on. There was gold, silver, amethyst, faience and alabaster and there were plenty of skilled craftsmen. People drank wine or beer out of cups made from Egyptian ostrich eggs. I was at a pub in Tiryns once and there was an ostrich still in my cup. It pecked my fucking eye out. A cyclops said "you could get a job as a bricklayer now mate!" The barman scratched some words on a large jar that said "faulty ostrich cups - to be sent back." Inscriptions on jars found at archaeological sites often tell stories and give us clues about how ancient society operated. Little fragments of history. According to Pausanius, Aigisthos killed Atreus and others, who returned from Troy, at his banquet. Aigisthos knew Atreus had a stash of treasure in his cellars. Mycenae came to an abrupt end, once believed to have been destroyed by the Thera volcanic catastrophe but analysis shows Mycenaen civilization ending 150 years before Thera exploded. Maybe they all died of plague or famine, although there was an abundance of fertile lands in Greece at the time. Corinth was founded then and seems to have lasted beyond the age of Roman expansion into Greece. A city with a great history. One day a bloke called Kaysius came in and said "that's the way ah ha ah ha, I like it, ah ha ah ha that's the way" Everyone started boogieing down and some bloke said "it's a shame records haven't been invented yet as I reckon that tune would go straight to the top of the charts."

Hannibal down Bruttium

Hannibal's camp was now in Bruttium on the toe of Italy. He was trying to surround Rome and Latin territory. At Beneventum, Hannibal lost 20,000 men. Gracchus told his ex-slaves and convicts to cut the enemies heads off. Every head presented to the Roman consul would guarantee their individual freedom. This tactic certainly worked as many soldiers were going out of their way to cut the heads off Carthaginian corpses on the battlefield. This also caused problems as instead of carrying a more useful sword the Romans were carrying heads which Gracchus thought was starting to hinder the battle. Gracchus ordered the slave warriors to 'drop the heads' and this instantly improved the fighting. Gracchus also said that if the Carthaginians are defeated every slave and prisoner will be set free and granted Roman citizenship. This compelled them to go into manic mode and the Carthaginians were overwhelmed by a new Roman aggression. Hannibal knew his guys were flagging and were lacking incentive. Rome was gaining momentum. The Volturnus river offered a formidable crossing point. Naples, then Neapolis, was on alert. Nearby Puteoli was attacked by Hannibal. Meanwhile, Manlius was on alert in Sardinia. Someone had seen a spear on a statue move forward slightly and heard a cow talk and this was enough to have the Romans consulting the sacred books. A jar of prawns in a Co-op started spouting out Latin invective. It rained chalk supposedly. I'm just guessing it was hailstones. They say it rained stones on various occasions when it thundered and this phenomenon could be put down as hailstones. Who knows. New consuls and praetors etc were elected in Rome as was usual. Fabius had been elected for the fourth time despite protestations. It seems the second Punic war was a sort of rebellious uprising in Italy where the commoners were fed up with being subject to a corrupt and greedy aristocracy. The commoners of many Italian cities were rebelling against the local Senate. It was pretty much a class war! Greek colonies in Bruttium were under attack as they were mostly pro-Roman, including Croton. Wheat and barley were a priority. At Casilinum Hannibal constructed a defensive tower at the city wall, but the Romans had built a taller one. Much stone and missile throwing took place with the Romans having the edge. Eventually the fighting spilled into the gates.

Hamae and Xenophanes

Temple of Juno much frequented. Bit of a butchering administered by the Romans towards some treacherous Campanians. They were at an evening festival that stopped just before midnight and they were caught unawares by stealthy Romans under Gracchus. Most of the Campanians were too pissed and too tired to retaliate. They had also neglected to fortify their city walls. 2000 Campanians were killed. Their magistrate 'medix tutatis' and leader was killed in the process. Hamae wasn't far from Cumae and Casilinum, the sites of skirmishes. Once again many strange happenings such as a cow giving birth to a colt and raining stones had the Romans reaching for the Sacred Books and strewing couches and conducting other ceremonies to appease the gods. Thunder was heard and this was thought to be Jupiter taking a dislike to current events. Xenophanes was involved in the Philip of Macedon affair, where he attempted to infiltrate Rome by initially feigning friendship with Romans and then secretly having talks with Hannibal. Philip was offering Hannibal support, but the Romans smelled a rat on a ship bound for Macedon, the familiar Campanian accents betrayed hopes of getting away with the treacherous plan. The perpetrators were imprisoned and executed. Philip of Macedon was under much scrutiny - not to be trusted. He wanted a big chunk of Greece if Hannibal succeeded in conquering Rome. Philip of Macedon was an added irritance hindering Roman military planning. The Roman army was ramping up again, many convicts were enlisted and debtors were freed and cleared of their debts if they joined the frontline. Hasdrubal was annoyed about giving up Spain but his contingent was much needed in Italy. Mago held out in Spain but the Spaniards were a strong resistance, especially their cavalry. They were becoming increasingly more pro-Roman. The Ebro river was always a contested zone. Quintus Fabius had been consul three times. In Rome, a new Senate of 150 was elected and for the first time some plebeians were enlisted which caused class conflict. Numidians on the Carthaginian side tricked the Romans at Cannae by pretending to surrender. They threw their shields and arms to the ground, amongst the carnage. They were escorted to the rear of the Roman infantry and they suddenly picked up their weapons, when the Romans weren't expecting it during the battle, and inflicted much damage. Earlier, the Romans had fared worse due to an opposing wind blowing dust into their faces. It's a wonder why so many Numidians were trusted in that situation. Grain was a problem for the Carthaginians, as ports were continually blockaded to stop grain being delivered. A further 20 elephants had been ordered from Carthage. Himilco and Bostar were in Spain.   Tarentum and Brundisium were useful ports on the heel of Italy. Lavinum. Cales got a mention. Another god they devoted to was Mens, whoever he or she was. General Varro was still applying his 'gung ho' tactics in contrast to Paullus's more cautious bearing - Paullus was unfortunately killed by spears at Cannae. He died fighting and was already wounded severely. Varro had his methods. Petelia was a town caught in the fray. The tribal Boii were tricky Celts; you had to watch some of them. And the Tartesii. (Anything ending in two I's - watch 'em!) Buteo was elected as Roman dictator. Now there were two dictators, which was unprecedented, but one dictator was annoyed at not having his Master of the Horse, which was an essential second in command. Aedile turned curule. Some bloke killed someone by throwing his thyrnix at them - whatever that was. Hannibal gave up trying to take Nola and Naples as they offered fierce resistance. Capua was trying to free itself from Hannibal too. I feel things aren't going totally as planned despite his relentless siege warfare and pitched battles along the Appian Road, a main Italian artery. Flaccus gets going. Titus Tarquatus was always about. Scipio captured 16 elephants in Spain and many prisoners and horses. Hannibal realised his men were flagging, he tried in vain to motivate them.

Edward Gibbon of Emperor Julian's Persian Expedition

After the death of Constantine, the pagan Roman Emperor Julian, inspired by Alexander the Great, marched against Persia with a great army of 60,000, nearly ten miles long. As they marched through Mesopotamia, a long string of ragged camels had suddenly joined the rear. Their intention was almost certainly to help themselves to some of the generous army rations, which included a large barrel of exceptionally good biscuits. Julian did indeed have an auxilliary group of Skythians and some Saracens too, who rode dromedary and bactrian camels, but they were well accounted for. Somewhere between Circesium and Macepracta, the superfluous camels had alerted Julian's attention and aroused his suspicions. The camels were intercepted, rigorously stopped in their tracks and dismissed thus preventing them from stealing the Emperor's biscuits.

Cannae and Capua

The Romans lost over 10,000 foot soldiers and cavalry to Hannibal at Cannae. Two big legions in fact. A dead Roman had been seen in the carnage, still biting the saddle of a Carthaginian horse. Cannae was biggest rout they had suffered since Trasimene. This lark couldn't continue. Hannibal had designs on capturing Rome and conquering the world. A Roman consul was sent to the Oracle at Delphi in Greece which was still very much operational. He received a letter that outlined the advice given by the Pythia. In a favourable prophecy, the gods supposedly said they would back him if he donated them plenty of gold, after Hannibal was defeated. Good news and bad news really. Many omens were spotted in various cities across Italy, which lead people to believe it really was the end of the world. The Sacred Books were often consulted. Two Vestal virgins were put to death after being deflowered by a randy senator. One girl was buried alive at the Colline Gate, as was customary for this particular brand of crime. Hannibal seized the affluent city of Capua, capital of Campania, which was richer than Rome in 200BC. The Capuans now indulged in a lavish and seemingly decadent lifestyle and were in two minds about who they should be allied with. The new governor, Calavius, was a bit of a treacherous fellow and had worked his way up the greasy pole of local politics by much chicanery. Some dignitaries were sent to a sauna whereupon he locked the door and they all choked to death on the steam. He was chummy with Hannibal and had ideas about killing the Senate and defecting to Carthage. His son was appalled by his dad's behaviour and one day at a banquet over at Hannibal's gaff he told his dad he was going to chop Hannibal's head off with a big sword. He showed his dad the sword in the garden. His dad was taken aback and talked him out of it saying that he would end up as public enemy number one and would be doing himself or the family no favours. It certainly might've changed the course of events. Cannae was such a disaster for Rome they press ganged children, prisoners and 8000 slaves into the new army. The Romans were very tenacious and never surrendered despite the overwhelming odds against them. They also knew Hannibal was getting tired and his food supplies were getting low as he had many legions to feed. The rumour of his eating human flesh is unsupported. He was no doubt cruel at times. A Roman consul delivered a rousing speech which injected much solidarity and new confidence into the Roman citizens. A stern old Roman reckoned the army had made a mockery of things at Cannae so advised people not to pay any money for the hostages. He said it was disgraceful that they turned themselves in when they should've escaped when Carthaginians were resting at night. He had a point but he wasn't at the Battle so he didn't know all the circumstances. The young Scipio would eventually be the great Roman general to win the war. He had no intention of ever giving in to the Carthaginians and when he heard some fellow consuls talking like dirty traitors he threatened them with death by his sword if they didn't instantly change their attitude. This approach worked. Scipio went to work stirring up patriotism and appeasing the gods, Apollo in particular, in preparation for a new offensive. Mago was sent across to Carthage in Africa for reinforcements - as Hannibal Barca was aware of the courageous Roman spirit and he knew this wasn't the end of the matter. Romans were starting to form new alliances with old Gallic foes as the Gauls thought Hannibal had turned out to be a bit too tyrannical for their liking. The Gauls would pretty much go with whoever was winning the war but they were a funny old lot and never to be completely trusted. The Carthaginian navy were still having a pop at Roman held Lilybum in Sicily and King Hiero was getting a bit cross. He was a Roman ally. Sicily was vital for grain and fruit supplies. Hannibal tried to capture Ibiza Town but gave up on that one. Probably too many clubbers blocking the way while queueing for Pacha!

Mykalus in Lakonia (Spelt with a K like Strabo did)

My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. One day I decided to have a butchers at Sparta and I arranged to have a chat with a Lacedaimonian called Brasidas about some hooky pinewood.
   I got rabbiting to a bloke called Antimachos in the pub - The Erupting Taygetos. He told me Laconia was all part of Argos once ( you could get a decent lawnmower in the latest catalogue. Only joking.) One day old King Agis wanted more income so he took away a lot of privileges and imposed new taxes on his subjects and most of them reluctantly complied apart from a bunch of rebels in Helos. They lost during the War of the Helots and those captured became the official state slaves of the Spartans. They got a pretty bloody raw deal until the Romans took over Sparta and set them free
   Sparta is surrounded by mountains,  dominated by Taygetos, a volcano which is now mined by the Romans. They sometimes call it Hollow Sparta because of this location. The suburb of Limnai, where I bought some decent wood, was once a right old marsh but that was long ago and it's now as dry as a nun's flange. Limnai actually means marshy.
   They reckon just down the old frog and toad there's a cave near the sea where Hercules dragged that big old three headed dog Cerberus up from Hades. That's the myth anyway. A dog with three heads would get through a fuck load of Pedigree Chum!
   Eurykles is the guv'nor of Sparta these days and he decided he wanted the island of Kythera. He apparently does things like that occasionally. Can't blame him, I popped over to Kythera for a drop of vino and it's a bloody nice manor.
  I had a little trot to Onougnathos along the coast via Helos - which used to be a city but now it's only a bloody village. As in most places round here it gets a mention by Homer. The Greek poet Homer, not bloody Homer Simpson you berk! I had to jump over the Eurotas that flows into the gulf of Laconia. They reckon the people of Helos are descendants of bloody Perseus. Had a quick sherbert in Kyparissia in a nice pub called The Peninsula.
   Had a chat with Epicharmos who always cuts his words short for some reason. Instead of saying lion he says li, which is apparently quite a common thing amongst some of these highbrow philosophical types. Well everyone to their own. He probably says fac instead of factory. Could just be typos as it happens to me all the time with my dodgy phone keys. That'll teach me to buy an hooky dog n bone from a fucking Persian. I knew a bloke called Simmias who kept texting dodo until I realised he meant Dodona, a manor up north where there's an oracle, second in importance to the one in Delphi.
  Back in the pub in Sparta I met Ephoros and he's a clever bastard. He told me two Herakleidai heavies called Eurysthenes and Prokles came and ran Laconia. They gave a city called Amyklai to an insider, who advised their leader and his subjects to fuck off to Ionia. All very amicable in those days. They accepted a fair wack of immigrants to fill up the region and designated some as kings of cities. Las was used as a navy port. It was the son of Eurysthenes, Agis who started on the Helots after his 'all in this together' crap and austerity measures. He made sure he still got his luxuries I bet!
   Eurykles caused a bit of bother with the Romans recently wanting more grapes but it was all nipped in the bud and I think he was either exiled or executed. Don't fuck with Caesar mate! What would old Pelops be thinking? Not a lot, as he died fucking yonks ago. They say he was the founder of the whole peninsula they now call the Peloponnesos, of which Laconia is a small part, but because of Sparta being the capital, it's a bit more larger than life. Lycourgos was a bit of a player too -  they erected a sanctuary to the bloke and people come and pay their respects every year. I bet they do! Pausanius was banished for some reason but he got to write some good books about the laws of Lycourgos and his panegyrics ( good moral speeches basically.) Anyway here's my panegyric - fuck off I'm going home for a cup of tea!

Pergamon Sardis and Hierapolis by a Mate of Mykalus

   Try saying Katakekaumene after a few Veras me old china! (Catta-keck-a-mean) a very burnt area without trees but plenty of vines and the Cattakeckamenitic wine is said to be as sumptuous as any. The area is ashy and black but the wine is good. Not far from Mysian Philadelphia, which is constantly getting mashed up  but loyal residents like the challenge of living in a precarious volcanic city. Most folks live in the farms in the surrounding area instead. They say the earthquakes are instigated by the god Typhon who has fifty heads supposedly. Bit of a vengeful bloke.
   They say that during the festivals at the sanctuary of Artemis near lake Koloe at Gygaia even the baskets dance. Old Strabo the geographer said it was a load of bollocks. They say Koloe could be an artificial lake which was dug in order to syphon off water as the area regularly experiences flooding. Situated next to the lake is the mound of Alyattes and Herodotus said it was built entirely by prostitutes and all the women of the town were prostitutes and the mound is dedicated to prostitution.
   Kallisthenes reckons Sardis was taken by the Kimmerians. Good leather workers in Hyde but Hyde doesn't appear to exist anywhere but it's curious how the word leather is synonymous with the word hide. Some think Hyde was actually Sardis. Pindar was sceptical of this story. Sardis is the royal city of the Lydians. Mt Tmolos lies above the city. The Persians built an exedra made of white stone on the top of its peak. Gold dust was carried down the Paktolos stream making the city affluent and luxurious. Old Kroisos became very rich on it. He must have been up in that exedra plenty of times looking over his splendid city of gold. The roman Emperor Tiberius has rebuilt much of Sardis which has been hit by Typhon of the fifty heads many times
over the years and there's even pub called the Rumbling Ground. Zonas was from Sardis who tried to get the people to revolt against King Mithridates VI.
    Pergamon had a succession of kings going back to that old sibling killer, Lysimachus. Philatairos of Tios the eunuch ran the fortress for years while Seleukos invaded and Ptolemy overthrew Seleukos. Philatairos held out throughout the troubles. He had two brothers Eumenes and Attalos. Eumenes became king and beat off Antiochos I at Sardis. Attalos I succeeded to the throne and conquered the Galatians and was mates with Rome and beat Philip of Macedon with the help of the Rhodian navy. Eumenes II became king and was also mates with Rome in the war against Antiochus III the Great and Perseus of Macedonia. He really made Pergamon a splendid city and installed a sanctuary to Nikephorion. After 49 yrs Attalos III became king but he was a kid so Eumenes brother Attalos II was his guardian. He beat Demetrios and with the Romans he fought the Macedonians and Kainians. Then a guardian called Philometer was in charge. The Romans later called it Asia.
   At Hieraklion there are hot springs and the Plutonion. It is said the water solidifies and turns to stone. Could be calcification. Streams make their own fences of stone. Calcification? The hole is deep and a man could fit down it. A strange cloud forms when it fires up but it's harmless when calm. A bull was thrown in and died instantly. Strabo threw in some sparrows who immediately croaked. The Galloi people use it for some sort of religious ceremony and climb down and hold their breath but sometimes look as though they're choking in ecstacy. They are eunuchs so it's probably not a sexual high. More of an elation. They say the water solidifies but it is still potable. That's fine then. Hierapolis is full of natural baths. Mesogis river.
   Antiocheia is on the Maiandros river near Phrygia and is famous for a certain dried fig which is called the three leaf fig. Again so full of earthquakes you don't know where to put your foot. My beer disappeared down a crack. Diotrephes the sophist lives here but never seen him.
   Kabalis is just down the road.

Samos and Pygela with Mykalus

"My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy bastard. One day I had a tip off that there was good cypress trees in Ortygia in Ionia. I stopped at the city of Ephesos which was founded by Androcles, son of Codros the codpiece who was king of the Athenians. Even now Ephesos has kings, being a fancy royal seat where the kings have the privilege of front seats at the games and are allowed to wear purple robes and codpieces. They say old Smyrna was in Ephesos but now Smyrna is a different city up the frog and toad. Smyrna was an Amazonian who named the city Smyrna. Old Mimnermos wrote a book called the Nanno and it says the Smyrnians moved on to bloody Colophon. Well he wrote a bit more than that otherwise it wouldn't have been much of a book would it? He says the Colophonians had such a fucking handy army and navy they were always useful allies to have and they would put an end to a bloody war straight away. There is a proverb where people say 'that's put a Colophon on it' and that means it's put an end to the matter!
   Had a beer in Miletos where they built one of the biggest temples in Asia but they didn't have any money left to build a roof, so it's open air. Miletos is a well known Cretan establishment. Miletians settled everywhere including Abydos and all round the bloody Euxine Sea. I think they even have a branch of Millets.
   I stopped in the Carian village of Thymbria which has a cave full of deadly exhalations that kills birds. I had a swift half in a pub called the Dead Chaffinch.
   Went to Tregillion. Nice art and sculptures by a bloke called Myron and one day a Roman bloke came along and nicked some of the best statues. Another Roman called Sebastus Caesar put them all back but he took a fancy to the statue of Zeus so he nicked it and put it in a purpose-built shrine in the Capitolium in Rome. Well the Romans are in charge so what can you do? If you complain, you'll catch a cold mate.
    Grabbed the old Chuck Berry over to the Isle of Samos, admittedly their wine's a bit pony but their bird's milk is second to none. One day Polykrates threw a gold ring into the sea and later on a fisherman caught the salmon that had swallowed it. They gutted the fish and found the ring and Polykrates said 'if this kind of thing happens to aristocrats like me it must mean I'm gonna die' and he was right, cos the bloody Persian governor captured him one day and hanged him for treason! Pythagoras heard this and fled for Egypt but came back thinking the Persians had done a Burton, but they were still about, so he went to Italy. Who can blame him. Polykrates' brother Syloson was given governorship of Samos by King Darius but he turned out to be a right evil cunt and there's a proverb that says 'on account of Syloson there is open space'.
   Kreophylos was a bloke who taught the poet Homer (who wrote about the Trojan War). It's disputed as his teacher could've been Aristeas. Had a pig's ear in the pub: The Disputed Teachers. Nice gin.
   Icarus flew too close to the sun over Samos and the wax melted his wings so he crashed and died, the nutter!
   Had a look at Pygela and the sanctuary of Artemis and found out Agamemnon called the city Pygela because everyone had buttock pain and the Greek word for arse-ache is pygalgea. Not a lot of people bloody know that. So they worshipped bloody Artemis and he gave them Nobby Stiles.
   Grabbed a cartload of cypress wood from Ortygia which is named after Leto's nurse as the goddess gave birth to some dustbins here by the river Kenchrios. The Kouretes who lived on the nearby mountainside had noisy weapons which frightened off the goddess Hera as she was hiding up an olive tree watching Leto screaming in pain while giving birth to dustbins. Hera was jealous as she wanted some of her own dustbins. Skopas sculpted a xoanan of Ortygia holding a dustbin in each arm and there's an annual festival where a lot of blokes turn up and eat a lot of scraps of food. I had a wild boar pie anyway and toasted Leto with a double Ouzo and some cold pizza that the Romans have brought over from Neapolis."

Tamaison Cape

Tamaison Cape is where the cave is where Hercules grabbed Cerberus by the knackers and dragged him out of Hades and he didn't want to come out. Lerne was a busy port on the Argolian gulf. Argos was practically built on top of the ruins of Mycaenae and was once the name for the whole of the Peloponnesos. Argos. Home of the argonauts. Argives. Tiryns was an important port of Argolis. Hermione was a port homonymous with the Hermionic Gulf. It was said that someone threw a tile at a king. It wasn't Gripper Stebson.  Eurysthenes was mentioned. The land in Sparta was marshy but in amongst the mountains it was a hard place to invade as it was like a natural fortress thus it was a good place to be a Spartan. Some parts were not as marshy and several icons and herons stood on dry ground. The Greeks actually spent some time colouring their statues and robes contrary to what some celebrity antiquarians and historians purport. They loved a bit of colour. Cruickshank would lead us to believe those statues were probably all plain boring white marble which he no doubt thinks would add an air of pomposity to his take on classical history but Kitto would smack his nose and tell him the Greeks loved colour and would certainly have taken a prime colour palette to Cruickshank's grey bastard face. Horse drawn chariots created a nice breeze too which is something nice on a hot Peloponnesian day. In summer a load of chariots would've been most welcome to get the washing dry. Alternatively a dip in the Laconic gulf or in the stymphalian lake or in the river Eurotas would cool the cobbles if you were daft enough to stay out in the midday sun reading one of the latest blockbusters from Aristotle. Unfortunately you couldn't go to Boots in Sparta and get a bottle of after sun.
  Lake stymphalia was in Arcadia and was where the mythical birds with brazen claws attacked Hercules. He overcame them as part of his Labours. Most cities had some sort of acropolis whether it was a rock or wall or stump or a stone platform high above the town. Acro meaning high. Polis meaning city. Lycaurgus was in the area and had an altar in Sparta dedicated to him as he was renowned for being smart and the Spartans liked him and nearby they erected a heron. Calla meaning full. Calamitous. Callous.
   Kythera was the home of Aphrodite the goddess of love and beauty whom the romans identified with Venus. The story goes that Kronos had a disagreement with his dad Uranus. Kronos cut his bollocks off and they fell into the sea and Aphrodite was born from the foam and she swam to an oyster shell for protection and she managed to reach Cyprus with the help of Zephyrus the west wind. Obviously a standard conception and birth back in those days now commemorated in a painting by Botticelli.
  The word Halcyon comes from the Halcyon birds because Zeus changed some people who upset him into kingfishers who were dubbed the Halcyon birds and they still nest on Kythera to this day and they had these peaceful moments which we now call Halcyon days. It all happened on Kythira.
   Pausanius wrote about some stuff. I think a trip to Peloponnesos could be in order. Lots to check out.
   Someone in the pub just mentioned the Compleat Angler in Chinnor but it's a bit irrelevant. Champagne on arrival and a rude bucket. Who knows?
   Odd dream based in Miami swimming down the Biscayne canal with family and Kym was swimming and a white headed bull shark was a few metres below in the murky blue water but they were friendly sharks although it was a bit disconcerting. Funny thing I woke up and I was drenched because my bedroom heater was on too high!
   Get some scallops and make a nice little boudin. And you call me posh. I prefer crab to lobster tbh. There's a place down the new forest and they catch crabs and you can eat them there and then. Carrots have no chance against a lobster. Chefs talk. You don't need one down your Brian Cants. Claws are the best much better than the body and get some pears and creme fraiche and brioche loaf in there its nice frozen and nosh nosh. Monday.
  

The Brass Bull of Agricentum

The king of Agricentum had a big brass statue of a bull. It was used as a death penalty. It was hollow and he lowered the prisoner into it through a hatch near the shoulder blades. Once the condemned man was inside, the hatch was bolted shut and a fire was lit beneath the bull's stomach. There were holes at the nostrils. When the victim started to roast you could hear the screams through the nostrils and the king and his party thought it sounded like a real bull roaring. Sicilian civilization at its peak!
One day a bloke upset the king and he ended up inside the bull. The king ignited the furnace below it and the bloke inside it said "phew it's getting a bit balmy in here. Stinks of brass. Shit the bed it's starting to make me sweat a little bit. Fuck beans, my beard is melting!"
In a vain attempt he tried to cling on the hatch above and hang from a small rod.
"Bugger this. My fingers can't hold on. Aaaaaaarrrrgh"
Outside the king and his entourage of courtiers were drinking wine and entertaining some sluts while the bull cooked the bloke. He was raised out and a chef sliced him into portions and he was distributed on various plates as part of the banquet. The king tried a bit of sliced liver and nodded. "Very good. A little overdone but otherwise very good"
A prostitute called Danae, sampled the man's penis and said "Delicious and chewy. Rather like salami. Compliments to the chef!"
An excited guest accidentally spilled *lotus wine and silphium juice on the King's robe and this annoyed him greatly. The guest apologised profusely but the king was in no mood for such genuflection and ordered him to be put to death in the bull. The other guests and prostitutes laughed and clapped as the guest, who was a Syracusan accountant, fought with all his might and managed to escape the clutches of the guards and ran for miles and hid in a silver bull, similar in design to the brass one. Big mistake. This bull belonged to King Agathocles of Syracuse and he loved cooking people that tried to escape from the king of Agricentum. When he found out the man was a crooked accountant who had embezzled a large quantity of gold from his palace at Syracuse, it was goodnight Vienna for the bloke. The victim stuck two fingers through the bull's nostrils and they were the only part of him that didnt get cooked. Stupid idiot hiding in a bull. What did he expect? If you're gonna be cremated alive in a brass bull you don't go hiding in a silver bull!

*Lotus wine, by the way, is extracted from the honey lotus tree in Libya. The lotus eaters loved it. Libya encompassed all of  known Africa back in pre-Roman times, aside from Egypt which has always been regarded as a separate entity. Some lotus eaters who lived in the desert were said to chew the watery roots of the lotus plant - so there is a debate as to who the original lotus eaters were. I watched The Spy Who Loved Me and Jaws ate James Bond's Lotus Esprit sports car, so he could be considered as a modern lotus eater!

Old Smyrna with Mykalus Kane

"My name is Mykalus Kane and I'm a nosy Cappadocian. One day I rode to Leukai to get some oak. I had a butchers at Old Smyrna on route, which is bloody old. I considered getting the Chuck Berry over to the isle of Chios but no, I need to get back to Mazaka for a ceremonial ox roast later. Chios spawned Theopompus and Theokritos, who were brainy bastards but didn't share the same political views. The Chians reckon Homer was from their island too, but they all say that.
   Got to Smyrna by eleven,  just in time for a bit of kidney at the Metroon near the closed harbour that today stinks of shit. Well, old Lysimachus did a lovely job of paving the streets with the finest fucking marble but he forgot to provide underground drainage, so when it rains the sewage runs on the surface. It's chucking it down today and there's fucking excrement all over the shop. I went in the Homereion museum and there was crap seeping through the cracks in the walls of the quadrilateral stoa and I looked at the statue of Homer, took my hat off and said 'beg your pardon old mate, but there's shit all over your plinth'. They say old Dolabella killed Tregonius here, who was one of the blokes responsible for the death of Caesar the God. Bloody Romans think he's a god but there you go. I was lucky today, as buried in the sodden dung I found a little gold coin with Homer's face on it and they're as rare as rocking horse shit! Today you would be forgiven for thinking there's a few rocking horses about! The Meles river is well up and the walls are just about keeping it contained because if that breaches there'll be a flood on their hands, but then again it might wash some of the tom tits out to sea. Had a quick beer in a pub called the Death of Caesar and I went on my Edna.
   Trotted along to Leukai and gave the old Charing Cross a few apples. The rain had eased up into drizzle. The oracle was right, she said it would do that. I stocked up on oak at a wood merchants and hit the pub. I sat at the bar and the barman was the chatty sort. I said 'busy today shinker?' He wiped a stone cup clean with a rag and filled it with wheat beer and said 'Had a few cunts in. Not many.' I said 'why's this place called The Revolutionary?' He went on to tell me 'because one time, old Aristonikos drank here. After King Attalos III croaked it, old Aristonikos started a revolution. Bit of a Che Guevara was this bloke. He told everyone he was royalty and therefore had a claim on the territory. Proper delusions of grandeur. Anyway he grabbed a load of useless cunts called the Heliopolitans from up in the mountains and he promised them all great riches if they joined his cause. So a lot of them were taken in and they went to war and took Thyateira and Apollonis - two little pisspot villages!  He used Napoleon style tactics by doing very unexpected things on the spur of the moment as they say. King Nikomedes of Bithynia and some Cappadocian kings weren't having any of it so they formed an alliance with the Romans under Crassus and Peperna. Eventually, after a fierce naval battle near Kyme, they took Aristonikos back to Rome and threw him in the slammer and he topped himself. Peperna and Crassus both died in the battle for Leukai so it's seen a lot of bother has this little old manor. Old Manius the Roman runs the show now. It's reasonably civilized apart from Dog the Heliopolitan drunk with a chip on his shoulder, who still regards Aristonikos as the king and won't be told what to do by a bunch of fucking Trojan rejects, which is what some people call the Romans. Achilles himself said the Trojans were arrogant bastards before he lanced Hector in the Gregory, so there you go. Have a good day.'
    I thought shall I trot along to Magnesia? I realised the time was ticking on so I did the old Hi Ho Silver back across the interior via Sardis and was back in Mazaka by teatime. So that's enough from me today, now fuck off it's time for a cup of bloody tea!"         

Lykia and Pamphylia

The Corcyrian Caves are now known as the Heaven and Hell caves. The underground river was very clear and pure that ran to the sea and was called the Bitter Water. Amongst the shrubs that grew here was the saffron crocus. The caves are actually sinkholes.
    Aratos wrote the original Phainomena. Pompeiupolis was a later Roman settlement built on Soloi where pirates were resettled. The Issic gulf is the eastern Mediterranean at Israel. Issus is a city that gave it its name. Philamon the comedic poet was from the area. Panaitios too. Pamphylia pamphlet? Zenothetes.
   Xanthos is one of the larger cities who voted in three representatives. Proportional representation. Myra was another big city. The Chelidonian islands lie off Lykia near Pisidia. Cleopatra VII liked Antonius and he liked her.
   Isaura pirate said Isauricus and I destroyed him at Isaura along with the other pirates as they were an eyesore. Servilius Isauricus.
   Chimaira monster from near Mount Antikragos and city of Kragos and Pandaros the Trojan was honoured near Pinara. Kragos is similar to the Gaelic word crag. Gaelic gall gaul Galatians. All one race.
   Lykian Phaselis was razed by Alexander the Great when he opened the narrows of Termessos and he navigated the narrow passage at the foot of Mt Klimax in stormy weather. The tide was in and the coastal area was flooded so he and his army spent most of the day wading up to their bellies in water coming in from the Pamphylian Sea.
  River Kataractes was very torrential and noisy and can be heard as far as Berlin. Attaleia was named after King Attalos. Kallisthenes says the Trojans came to Pamphylia. Korakesion is the start of Rough Kilikia or Trachiotis. Level Kilikia is called Pedias. Herodotus says the Trojans followed Amphilochos and Kalchas. Others went with Mopsos over the Tauros mountains.
   In Kilikia there was a revolutionary  called Diodotus who operated from Korakesion, a fortress on a rock called Tryphon. Diodotus urged the Syrian and Kilikian people to revolt against the Seleukian kings and he was eventually locked up in a cell by Antiochus VII and was forced to kill himself. Other uprisings quickly followed suit as is often the case in revolutions. The people began to revolt against these nasty kings. Kilikian pirates took advantage of the situation and captured people and sold them as slaves to the Romans at the great naval base and emporium of Delos. This was a lucrative trade as the Romans paid good money for slaves as they were very wealthy and made much use of slaves since the capture and plundering of Corinth and Karchedon. The slaves were easy to capture in times of great upheaval. It was one ship in and one ship out. The Romans sent Scipius Aemilianus along to monitor the slave situation as it was getting quite ruthless. The kings of Egypt and Cyprus and the Rhodians were getting in on the slave trade in the guise of supporting the cause of the revolutionaries as they were enemies of the Syrians. Scipius and other Romans decided not to intervene as the Romans had ratified the hereditary succession of the Seleukian kings and were too proud to admit that they had fucked things up by doing so! The slave trade continued with the Kilikians calling themselves slave traders instead of pirates thinking that it sounded less evil. The terrible rule of King Seleukos Nikator of Syria was the straw that broke the camel's back and paved the way for the Parthians, sometimes known as Arsakes. The Romans had no choice but to go to war with the Parthians and kicked them out of Kilikia after a few bloodthirsty battles. The Romans then gave the Kilikians their country back along with their coastline and there was peace at last.
   "One sees the sickness in Tarsos especially in its excrement" said Athenodoros, teacher of Caesar, at an assembly. This relates to the man who had splattered diarrhoea extensively on his front door and walls of his house. Prior to this, Boethus the bad poet was exiled from Tarsos and his government was dissolved by Athenodoros son of Sandon.

The Euxine Coast of Asia

Tanais was a city on the Tanais river that flows into the Maiotic lake. It was once a Hellenic colony. Strabo says it King Polemon I raided it for its disobedience. It was an emporium where Asiatic and European nomads brought slaves and hides in exchange for designer clothes and fine wine and other civilised wares. Nomads and Bosporians. Polemon pushed his luck a bit too much and subsequently suffered death in the hands of those wreaking revenge for his attacks where he often feigned friendship before attacking.
   In Phanagoreia near the Bosphorus, there lies a sanctuary to Aphrodite. There's a myth in which the Gigantes attacked her there so she summoned Hercules and hid him in a cave and then she admitted the Gigantes one by one and they were thus slaughtered by Hercules treacherously and deceitfully. This place was near Pantikapaion the main emporium on the Maiotis. There is is said to be large reserves of salted fish near Great Rhombites where the Maiotian farmers worked and there are lookouts along the coast to observe the fish, said to me Klazomenian. Near Dioskourias the lice eaters were called the Phtheirophagians who were given that name due to their squalor and filth.
   The Heniochians named after heniochoi which is the hellenic word for charioteer were piratical and used small lightweight wooden boats called kamarai  to raid merchant ships on the Pontic carrying twenty to thirty robbers in each boat. Because their coastline was mountainous bordering on the Caucasus they would carry the kamarai on their shoulders and store them in the forest. At night they would sometimes practice kidnapping always setting their abductee free as they always needed money. The kamarai were often sunk in counter attacks. They were said to be originally from Laconia on the Peloponnesos.

Boiotia Notes

The state of Eros by Praxiteles is at Thespia. Krisaian Gulf said to be the deepest part of the Corinthian. They must have tested it somehow - maybe they used with a pine tree trunk marked with stadia. Lysippus later sculpted a bronze version. No more Haliartos today as it's been razed to the ground by Perseus. It was on lake Copai in central Boiotia. There were said to be doves at Thisbe. Kopaic lake was once dry and the Kephissis river flows from it from the Phocian mountains.
   Skolos is a village in Parasopian Boiotia  below Kithairon it is a rugged place that is difficult to live in, from which there is the proverb "do not go to Skolos or even go there with someone else." They say that this is where Pentheus was brought when he was torn to pieces.
   Near Thebes there is a spring called Dirke where there is a myth about Glaucus who was torn to pieces by the Potnaian mares who didn't have much respect for Glaucus. Must have been vicious horses. Not far is Thespia.
    Hesiod lived in Askre, a village and quote "He settled near Helikon in a wretched village Askre bad in winter difficult in summer and good at no time" I say book a holiday there now. Later Zenodotos revising Homer says that Askre is rich in grapes which contradicts what Hesiod had said and indeed Eudoxos who apparently said far worse things - the slightest mention of the place would launch Eudoxos into a string of invective. Strabo goes along with popular opinion and believes it is not a good place for grapes. Who really knows. Maybe they had a good year when Zenodotos was there or maybe he just wanted to cock a snook at Hesiod.
  Helos Helikon etc all named because of being on marshy soil from the word 'hele' meaning marshy. Many areas of Greece being marshy which is normal in mountainous country, similar to Scotland with its mountains and moors.
   Farthest Anthedon. More proof the Boeotians were called the Aonians. The Kopaic lake was supposed to be once dry and was good farmland and this made the Boiotians rich and powerful and they gained many other lands from this power. Another reason is Boiotia is surrounded by seas with access to Italia Sikelia and Libya. It all adds to the pot.
   Lebadeia in the mountains had an Oracle dedicated to Zeus. It is said that there were many groves created by Poseidon and these groves, usually in ravines, were not always resplendent and lush places as Homer always seemed to infer - but I can understand why Homer dressed them up with more trees than they have now. Some groves may have been over-harvested or maybe they receive less water in present day Greece. I personally prefer a leafy grove and I'm with Homer on this one. Ptioin mentioned.
   Zethos and Amphion were twin sons of Zeus and Antiope who were said to have founded Thebes. Euripodes says Zeus raped Antiope and the twins were left to fend for themselves. Oedipus is said to have lived in Thebes with his wife Jocasta. Kassander built Thebes back up again. Epimeinondas was the main Thebian commander who gave Boeotia a brief spell of affluence.
  Plataeia is where a great battle was fought between the Greeks and Persians under the command of Mardonios who was the nephew of Darius and related to Xerxes. 80,000 Greeks beat 300,000 Persians. The name Plataeia may derive from the flat plate on the end of oars as the old residents were rowers and since then the waters have gone but the name remains as a legacy to the past inhabitants. It's a tenuous bit of etymology.
   The Pelasgians were driven south to Athens where they settled in a suburb called Pelasgia and were known to be wanderers like birds hence their name. Pelican comes from it.
   Ephoros says quite a lot.
   I think it was the Boiotians who consulted the Oracle at Dodona before a battle and the Oracle was three priestesses and one of them was faithful to the opposing side and she gave biased opinions so the Boiotians wanted the priestesses exchanged for men which was their custom so the two priestesses had to go as one had been slain for her bias and the men took charge of the Dodonian Oracle.

Attica and Athens

Attica. Mounychia built on the peninsula above Peiraieus, modern Perios,  the port of Athens and Mounychia was on a sort of mound with many holes dug in where people dwelt. Athens was capital of Attica from Akte.
Soiunous. Megaris which was once considered part of Attica before Homer's time. Mounychia became Munichia and  could possibly be the etymology behind Munich in Germany. Not sure.
  Off the coast was the island Salamis where the Greeks routed the Persians in a naval battle. King Kychrea unleashed a serpent on Salamis known as the Kychraelian serpent and it supposedly wreaked havoc and was not wanted on the island so it was beaten off by Eurylochus.
  (I noticed a Siamese cat up a Reading back street on the way to The Oasis which is no longer a corner pub but a community cafe. The cat sat behind an iron garden gate and looked and blinked and was somewhat unperturbed. The Castle Tap is now selling real ales.)
  Athens had suburbs inc Aphidna, Lyceiam and Peiraieus the port. The Parthenon was built by Ikselos. Potable water is mentioned again as there were many springs across the city.
    Statues of the Macedonian king Kasandros were all taken down and melted and I'll tell you why. Kasandros reigned over an Athenian oligarchy wrested from the tyranny before and people believed it was a fairer government. It was a successful situation for most in the city and Demetrios was granted governorship. Things got a bit unfair and when Kasandros died Demetrios disappeared and ran off to Egypt. The oligarchy turned to a bit of anarchy and the people took down the statues of Kasandros and melted the bronze and metal ones down and some vindictive people turned the melted statues into chamber pots!
   Hymettus honey was supposed to be the best and in general most Attican honey was of a very good quality and the best honey was found near the silver mine on Mt Hymettus near Athens. The mines were quite big and there were quarries too. Maybe folks kept honey in those pots melted down from Kasandros.
  Eleusis was a bit further west of Athens on the Bay of Eleusis and became a populous city with a temple dedicated to Artemis. Megara was capital of Megaris. Nisaia is a port near Megara. Four descendants of Theseus - Aegis Pallas Lycos and Nisa divided four parts of Attica between themselves. Far east Attica was called Sounis and is a promontory. Lyceiam was named after Lycos. Boiotia bordered Attica to the north. The Boiotians invaded and they were called the Aonians. There was a city in between Boiotia and Attica and it was often disputed territory. Euboia was another promontory to the north east. Attica was supposedly founded by Kekrops.
   An islet called Helene was once called something else but Alexander shagged a woman called Helen and he renamed the island after her which is a romantic story. The islet Psyttalia was covered in pines hence the name of the island means pine island. (What have you done today? Having a rast and bought some pillows. Chilled really.) Herakleidai mentioned a lot. Obviously related Hercules.

Mykalus Kane on Agathocles of Syracuse

Alright, I'm Mykalus Kane and I was down the Fountain of Arethusa battlecruiser a few weeks ago and I bumped into a geezer I know called Timaeus who wrote quite a lot about Callisthenes and Demosthenes and some other notable people. On this occasion he was fuming about something he'd read in the Syracuse Bee. A pony newspaper if there ever was one. I much prefer the Neapolitan Gnat. Some people ain't that keen on Timaeus, saying he has a sort of uneducated style and favours a sensationalist approach to history. He reckons Homer was a greedy basket because he always mentions banquets in his epic poems! Some say Timaeus is a bit of a cop out for spending bullseye years in a library in Athens and never experienced the school of hard knocks. They say he writes with his ray mears and not his mince pies! Whatever. It doesn't bother me as I think he's a good bloke to have a few sherbert dips with.

I said "what's got your goat Timmo?"
Timaeus, slightly red-faced, sipped on a pot of wine and then spat at the offending newspaper. "That fucking journo Polybius - the berk who thought the source of a fountain in Sicily originates in fucking Greece! He's really licking the Aristotle of King Agathocles in his obituary. Everyone including fucking Will's mother knows Agathocles left a good apprenticeship potter's job to become a prostitute on the streets of Syracuse. From potter to tart!"
I said "was it true he was doing striptease for the mayor of Syracuse?"
Timaeus said "Yeah, all part of his big game plan, mate. He was hung like a donkey. The proverb goes 'is that a new column on the Temple of Athena? No it's Agathocles' haha. Contrary to what Polybius says, he used his big knob to work his way up through the bedrooms of Syracusan society until he eventually became King and master of all Sicily."
I said "Masturbator of Sicily more like"
Timaeus said "Fuck me, haha, but Polybius has him down as some sort of straight-laced figure who never so much as had a quick hand-shandy round the haystack."
I said "Yeah I heard he shuffled over the Daily Spartan a lot when he was a potter! Got caught by the foreman on a few occasions. Hahaha"
Timaeus wasn't gonna relent "some of the stories that emanated from the back street brothels of Syracuse would make old Botrys the pornographer frown with disgust. There was a rumour about an ostrich involved on one occasion"
I said "Hahaha was he mates with Roddus Hullius? Agathocles scared the shit out of the Carthaginians though. I'll give him that. The slag kicked the fuckers out of Sicily"
Timaeus corrected "His army did. Not him! He was back home in Syracuse riding the Assistant Keeper of the Temple of Athena's daughter. Slag ain't the word, Mykalus. He was a jackdaw and a buzzard!"
"Cor, fuck me, that's bad!" I said
Timaeus said "He would face in any direction on request."
I said "a jack of all trades"
Timaeus said "master of none except whoring. I don't know how his trouble n' strife put up with it all the time"
I said "Yeah as Queen she must've been in two woodbines. I mean, he'd brought her amazing luxuries and god knows how many cassettes but she knew what he was up to behind the scenes. She probably had her lovers to compensate. Who knows"
Timaeus spat again "She obviously fell for him in the beginning - as we all know, he possessed some remarkable natural advantages."
"Biggest wanger in the land, haha" I said.
Timaeus said "Polybius ignores all the dirt and concentrates on his regal side and all the pomp and ceremony and all the virtues he possessed that enabled him to become king. He was a sly bastard with a big cock mate! Simple as that. Anyway fuck him, Mykalus, me old mucker, did I tell you some bloke had invented a mechanical snail? A mechanical snail that actually leaves a fake slime trail."